The New Journalist’s Collegiate Dictionary
By: Warner Todd Huston
I have come into possession of a highly classified document being issued to the graduating class of AmericaÂ¹s top school of journalism in Paris, France. A careful reading of this address to those journalism students is revealing and will assist us in seeing how they are going to sally forth to change the world after their long hard days of watching Katie Couric, worshipping at the feet of Michael Moore, and leaving copies of the New York Times laying on coffee tables for effect.
Here is that secret missive…
Dear Graduating Journalism Student,
Congratulations on graduating after these many long months of matriculation. Though you are part of our graduating class, you still have many things to learn as you set out to change the world. So, as we in the administration await your ParentÂ¹s last few tuition payments, we have this one last bit of fundamental information that you will need to be as effective as we all hope you will be.
We make our living with words, this cannot be denied, and this being the case we must be sure that we are all on the same page as per our usage of those words. It must be remembered that the pen is mightier than the sword and words are the blood that drips from the pen. So we offer you some definitions of the most important words, of which the lower classes are generally ignorant, that you’ll need to know to properly carry out your journalistic crusade. After all, you will be responsible to inform the great unwashed of the important principles of the day once you go forth into the higher echelons of journalism and without the properly patterned vocabulary you will find your job much harder.
So, without further ado, here are some of those aforementioned words and their definitions.
America- A failed concept that should be cast aside by a caring and intelligent society, but never say this directly because the masses aren’t as smart as you and still have some vague feeling that being American is a good thing.
Europe- Generally better than America, but still not perfect.
Western Society- Should be used ironically when humor is needed, but in serious stories it should always be followed by the usual descriptions of the oppressions and murders for which it is responsible.
Government- Generally used in place of the archaic word “Heaven” unless the current government is in conservative hands. Then the antitheses, “Hell”, becomes the meaning.
Democracy- Also means oppression. It can also mean freedom, but only when used by the UN or the DNC. Democracy is only legitimate when used for socialist ends. It is misused when conservative measures are adopted because of it.
Capitalism- This is an excellent word to use when you are looking for another word to describe the poor being put down or old people and children being killed.
Democrat- Good. Should any Democrat not live up to this definition, however, the story isn’t worth pursuing.
Republican- Evil. Should any Republican not live up to this definition, however, the story isn’t worth pursuing.
Taxes- That from which all things should be paid.
Low Taxes- Oppression
Religion- An archaic ideology for which we no longer have a use. But it is also oppression.
God- A word that forms only part of a curse word and since we generally don’t print curse words unless we are on websites, this word should rarely be used.
Christianity- A cult of destruction and death… and oppression.
Islam- A way of life that just needs to be understood.
Abortion- A right. If we believed in God we’d say he gave us this right.
Gun- A device that will instantly kill everyone it sees unless in the hands of our own bodyguards.
Racism- A hatred for those who are different. It is endemic only to white people.
White- This is a word of oppression. Many think it a mere description of a color, but it is no such thing.
Black- This means oppressed minority. In journalism we realize that this word also denotes a group who are unable to get by without our direction, but we never say this out loud. After all, we don’t want these poor people upset or forced to work or think too hard.
Male- Synonym for violence and rapine.
Military- A large group of dullards who must be carefully leashed so as not to kill those with whom they come in contact. They are useful after natural disasters sometimes, however, so we should keep them around.
Facts- We are not sure where this word comes from and cannot understand why the “people” continue to use it? We believe it just to be slang for something.
Plagiarism- See above definition.
Well, proud graduating student, we hope you take this last lesson well to heart. Remember, you are the only thing standing between the yawning ignorance of the masses and a better future for all, so don’t let us down. Go out there and do what we know is right.
P.S.- Your diploma will be sent to your Mom’s house as soon as that last check clears. Still, you really don’t need it anyway. Your rights as a journalist preclude your having to prove anything to anyone!
.. and there you have it. We should all use this list to understand what journalists mean when they use these hard to define words.