Boycott this Column

By: Dustin Hawkins

Oh yeah, they showed us. The brilliant “revolutionaries” of the pro-illegal-immigration movement really taught us – umm, gringos as they were calling us on Monday – a lesson by not opening up their businesses. Somehow their refusal to open shop and work and make money was supposed to teach me a lesson. Like I care if they make money or not. If they are illegal, they are actually doing me a favor. Boycott more!

Meanwhile, no word on whether or not the illegals decided to boycott the use of our welfare system or the use of our hospitals. Did they boycott not paying taxes? Did they boycott being criminals? Did they boycott obtaining illegal identifications? I think that if they really want to show us how much “we need them” they should leave the country altogether. Yes, it’s a brilliant idea. By their theory – and this is why they are known as a population of thinkers – if they left the country altogether we would see how badly we need them would then beg them to come back as we were forced to completely open the borders. I’m game. Go. Bye-bye. Adios.

Sadly, the boycott of America’s least desirable citizens/non-citizens was about as effective as a marketing campaign for water from a fresh Tijuana spring would be. But then there could be worse things than parasites floating in you drinking water. (For instance, say, parasites floating over your borders).

The only good thing that ever left Mexico and landed in America is Mexican food. And the best Mexican food isn’t even cooked by Mexicans. It is cooked by me, in my kitchen, in the house that I clean (somewhat) with the lawn outside that I mow – you know, all that work that we gringos won’t do.

Everything else that Mexico has sent us we will gladly send back. We don’t need Mexican-style poverty, nor do we need their drug cartels. I don’t need a sombrero, as cool as they are. And even Mexico’s only major industry – apparently making plastic beaded jewelry – does me little good. But man, do they “work hard” at making that jewelry.

And thus the world’s most hard-working population – illegal alien, non-English speaking Mexicans of course – makes the first day of May a Day of Rest/Boycott/Complaining so as to prove how hard working they are by… not working. I know it is all very confusing, but remember you don’t get a stellar economy and the high quality of living that Mexico enjoys without great revolutionary ideas. And boy, what great revolutionary ideas these are!

Given the successes of the Mexican lifestyle and economy, revolutionary genius group Mecha wants to return Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California to Mexico. I’d give them California, but San Diego is beautiful this time of year. And it is beautiful mainly because it’s not part of Mexico. (For instance, when was the last time you heard anyone say: “Tijuana is beautiful this time of year?” despite the two cities being within walking distance of one another.)

And thus the point: San Diego shows what happens when you follow the capitalist, English-speaking ways of the Great Satan: You have a clean city, drinkable water, high employment rates, and outrageous real estate prices. As an added bonus, San Diegans don’t get randomly stabbed and robbed for not buying bubble gum from small petulant children.

Mexico shows what happens when you follow the ways of the Revolutionary Communist party: Dirty water, dirty streets, dirty buildings, dirty bathrooms, and dirty food. Also, there are no decent jobs. And it says a lot when the biggest industry in Mexico involves children running to unsuspecting tourists, latching onto their legs and yelling “CHICLE CHICLE.” Viva la revolucion! You’ve come a long way baby!

Also, Mexicans are obsessed with donkeys. They have donkey races, donkey parades, donkey prize shows, donkey tattoos, stuffed toy donkeys, and donkey-shaped cookies. It’s a wonder Texas claimed their independence from them and that Mexico subsequently lost the Mexican-American War.

Now, I don’t want this all to sound like an anti-Mexican screed. I actually like Mexico… okay, that’s a lie. I hate Mexico. But I do have Mexican friends. Legal Mexican friends, and they are great. They speak English, have mixed their culture with American culture, and have become a physical part of American society. And most importantly they got here the right way: by marrying gringos like me.

Now, Mexico would be far worse off if we boycotted them. Mexicans don’t buy their own crappy jewelry. When Mexicans illegally come to America we don’t run to them, latch onto their legs and beg them to buy our crappy watches, candy, and 3 for 10-dollar shirts. There is a reason why you can literally walk into Mexico without notice but can’t walk back to America without waiting in line for 3 hours and being subjected to a full-body cavity search. I won’t take a guess as to why that is, but I’m guessing it has little to do with the donkeys.

Dustin Hawkins can be contacted by email at or through his website at

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