2006 Sanger Cup Competition Has Begun
By: J.J. Jackson
Diehard liberals train their entire lives for the greatest prize their little hearts can dream of â€“ the Sanger Cup. The Sanger Cup is named after Margaret Sanger, far left liberal, racist and Mother Superior of the modern abortion movement and is awarded yearly to the champion of the Liberal Mental Gymnastics competition. Liberal Mental Gymnastics you ask? What is that?
Simply it is a grueling competition. Liberals take an innocuous set of facts and put these facts through a routine of ungraceful back flips, forced tumbles, tosses through hoops of fire and other arduous feats all in an attempt to make these facts support a premise completely unsupported by the facts.
Never heard of the Sanger Cup? Well thatâ€™s because I just made it up. It actually does exist, although not as an â€œofficialâ€ competition with that name. Every year liberals do gather up collections of facts that prove just how unwilling they are to take responsibility, respect peopleâ€™s rights, limit government control and so on and try to force feed the American public some idiotic contortion of them. All in the vain attempt of trying to be proven right on some issue. I simply have finally put a name to it.
Apparently I missed the memo that qualifying for the championships had begun. But looking at recent events from comments by John â€œcut and runâ€ Murtha to actions by Cynthia â€œinappropriate touching of a copâ€ McKinney I can clearly see that the race for the cup has begun.
And it looks like this yearâ€™s competition promises to be heavily contested.
This past Sunday we had our latest entrant, a woman who identified herself as â€œDana L.â€. Dana entered the arena with a bag over her face for fear of being recognized and with a thesis that â€œconservative politicsâ€ and the â€œBush Administrationâ€ forced her to do something that she didnâ€™t want to do. That something? Have an abortion. (What Happens When There Is No Plan B? By Dana L.)
To be sure her entry was not without some controversy. Planned Parenthoodâ€™s judge Harriet Leggs (known affectionately to her friends as â€œHarryâ€) strongly objected to Dana being invited to qualify. And with Planned Parenthood having a permanent seat on the judging panel the threat of a veto was imminent. â€œIf true it is a turning point for which we should be praising the Bush Administration for! Every woman has a right to abort her child and we are glad to see the evil conservatives are finally enforcing that right!â€ Harriet screeched.
However, Michael Newdow who had obtained one of the open seats on the committee this year after being told he would not be allowed to submit another long winded and boring â€œSeparation of Church and Stateâ€ display won over the panel saying, â€œDonâ€™t you see? She might be able to prove that George Bush is really a baby killer and wants to prevent women from controlling their own bodies.â€
A quick vote was taken and it was agreed that proving how evil George Bush is was more important than intellectual consistency. All voted in favor except for Kofi Annan who abstained in protest that his idea to levy sanctions against the Bush Administration would not be heard.
As Dana finally was allowed to take to the floor for her routine it was clear from the start however that the dreams of the liberals for proof of how evil George Bush was would not be coming with this entrant. It was her first attempt at qualifying and she was clearly uneasy.
Immediately she was slapped with a mandatory full point deduction for uttering the phrase â€œWell, not reallyâ€. The audience gasped at such an amateur mistake. Dana had apparently not read the official rules of the event which strictly prohibit any participant from admitting what they said was not 100% true. The proper course of action, when having to clarify what you say, according to the rules was to blame it on being misquoted by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
She did however recover slightly gaining back a quarter point for continuing with â€œlet me explain.â€ After all in mental gymnastics it is all about the â€œexplanationâ€.
She then tried what has become known as a â€œMoore Flipâ€ named after acclaimed (by the left anyway) filmmaker Michael Moore and judge at this yearâ€™s event. However she instead turned it into a painful face plant by admitting that she was married (minus half a point) and to a man none the less! That lost her another automatic 2 points. And to add insult to injury the judge from the National Organization for Women took off an extra 10 points just for good measure.
But still Dana struggled on. Pushing up off the mat she tripped again admitting to having two children (mandatory quarter point deduction for each) but looked to gain a little favor with the judges for admitting that she was a working mom and put her work over family. A mandatory one point gain.
Then it really got ugly. She admitted to having sex. And it looked like the judges were ready to give her a bonus until she admitted that it was with her husband. Automatic two point deduction. After it became clear that she had sex with her husband she lost another two points for not using contraception and another five mandatory points for not having forced him to be sterilized.
There was another two points deducted per the rules when she admitted she had gotten pregnant but it became a wash when the judges awarded her 2 points for having the child aborted.
The rest of her routine was pretty much as ho-hum as the start. She did gain a couple points for blaming the abortion on the Bush Administration and their desire to keep â€œPlan Bâ€ (aka RU 486 the morning after pill) from being freely available over the counter and her doctors for failing to protect her rights and give her a prescription. But she lost 5 mandatory points when it became clear that she did not have a ready supply of instant abortion at her bedside to purge her womb of unwanted parasites.
Teddy Kennedy (this yearâ€™s celebrity judge) was drowning himself in Chivas Regal by the half way point and Passion Moonflower, the lesbian hippie love child judge, was clearly unable to watch as she left with her cross dressing lover.
And as it ended Dana, her face still hidden in shame behind the bag, stood shaking with her arms stretched skyward waiting for the applause she thought would come. However what applause there was was scant and halfhearted at best.
She sighed and lowered her head and walked off the floor. Cindy Sheehan, the 2005 Sanger Cup Champion yelled from her skybox of honor, â€œBoo! You are a disgrace to the cause!â€
Michael Moore, whose judging was clearly the harshest, said â€œReally it was down right pathetic.â€ He added, â€œShe should have just stayed on the message of â€˜George Bush made me have an abortionâ€™ instead of basically admitting that it was her fault she got pregnant in the first place. And a little embellishment wouldnâ€™t have hurt either.â€
When asked to clarify what he meant by that Moore replied, â€œYou know, embellishment. Like saying that George Bush spirited her away in the middle of the night and then went on vacation and read books to school children all the while not caring what happened to her.â€
A conservative in the crowd was heard muttering that â€œPlan Bâ€ could have been simply to accept the mistake, have the child and raise it in a loving home. Police are still questioning suspects in his disappearance shortly after those comments. They believe that they are close to a breakthrough in the case searching a nearby warehouse for the body.
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author from Pittsburgh, PA who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the Pittsburgh Conservative Examiner for Examiner.com. He is also the owner of The Right Things - Conservative T-shirts & Gifts The Right Things. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.