The Best Offense is a Good Fence

By: Dustin Hawkins

Despite recent assurances that building a fence to keep people from illegally crossing over the border “won’t work,” I’ve decided to redouble my support for such a crazy plan. Whenever a politician says that something “won’t work” it only means: “I have run out of arguments.” Figure that the open-borders, pro-amnesty (“not amnesty, I swear!”) horde is trying to argue that building massive, impenetrable structures would be wholly ineffective at preventing thousands of “undocumented guest residents who must not be offended in any way” from running across the border and having infant-release sessions in Texas.

And that’s not even mentioning the thousands of others who are eager to break into the country, steal identities and Social Security numbers, forge documents, lie under “penalty of perjury” to obtain employment, and, in many cases, fill up our prisons after committing burglaries and murders. So obviously, we don’t need to build a fence. Besides, as we all know, “it won’t work.”

These are people who think that having in-depth, graphic discussions about sex in 8th-grade classrooms “will work” at preventing 8-th graders from having sex, but this whole fence idea is just nuts. Of course a fence would work. The goal of a fence is to prevent people from getting from point A (what will be known as “there”) to point B (what will be termed as “here”) – Or at least make it difficult for them. Fences do that. If the communists could build a wall in the 1960’s capable of keeping people in, certainly the United States could come up with something today that could keep people out. I mean, hello, the communists did it. Limiting deaths from mass starvation to 10,000 people was considered a “good week” for these people and they managed to build a wall that lasted almost three decades.

I know this is all confusing, but really, I’m just here to help. For example, my neighbors’ dog used to break the border, or what I like to call my backyard, and leave various “gifts” around the lot. This wasn’t as serious as being a colossal drain on public funds, forcing me to pay for the hospital stays of indigent illegal aliens, having identities stolen, and not paying a “fair share” of taxes, but it was annoying nonetheless. I was wondering one day about how to keep said dog out of my yard and came across this brilliant solution: Shoot the dog. No wait, that definitely was not the solution. My solution was: Build a fence. Despite much argument from the dog that my building a fence wouldn’t keep him out, I persisted on and built the fence.

Much to the dismay of the dog, by the time I was finished he could not get in. And this wasn’t even a complicated fence I built – I started with an 18-foot high concrete slab, reinforced with electric-shock steel barrier, 6 feet of rusty barbed wire and a moat with piranhas and alligators, in case the Department of Homeland Security was seeking any suggestions. Initially I thought, “this will never work,” displaying the optimism of politicians who have lost an argument. But, lo and behold, there is no more dog poop in my backyard.

Perhaps the government is being cautious in saying that something they are in charge of creating “won’t work.” This is at least an argument that I can understand. The government is behind public education (“doesn’t work”), welfare (“doesn’t work”), and building and maintaining roads (don’t even get me started). The government could take over a recitation of the alphabet and after two years there would be 37 letters and $450 billion in public funds spent. So if the point they are trying to make is that they are inefficient, I can get where they are coming from.

But somehow, I don’t think that is what they are trying to tell me. In addition to actual fences “not working” we are supposed to believe that proposed virtual fences “will work.” How about we send politicians a “virtual paycheck,” that would work for me. Also, deportation “will not work,” or as President Bush put it: “That a’int gonna work.” (Yes, my Microsoft Word spell-checker just went berserk.) So, to break this down: Building fences will not prevent people from crossing a place where a fence currently doesn’t exist, and sending people back from whence they came is “impractical.”

What is practical is: Letting illegal aliens stay while giving them Social Security benefits, making them pay unpaid taxes for just 3 of the past 5 years (would be that I were so lucky), enforce “fines,” make them learn English, let them bring their families over, let those who want to come in legally wait longer, and have the illegals “prove” how long they have been in the country by making a good-faith statement (most likely in Spanish). I’m contemplating running for office – And if I do, my platform on this will be: “It won’t work.”

Dustin Hawkins is a national opinion columnist and political writer. His website is

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