Saving Sui Lang Panoke
By: Dustin Hawkins
Sui Lang Panoke needs some saving. What is a Sui Lang Panoke, you ask me. No, itâ€™s not a tree, an art school program, or an exotic endangered species. Itâ€™s a grad student who wants me to pay for her graduate school education.
To make a short story long: Sui, a single mother, is in her first year of graduate school and is complaining about the costs of graduate school and how only â€œthe richâ€ can afford to go. Thus, she wants graduate tuition to be lower and more federal aid to be available. In other words, she wants me to pay for her to go to college.
Two things become obvious to me upon reading Suiâ€™s sappy Washington Post piece. 1) She is a Democrat. Yes, this was confirmed following an internet search where she popped up as being very involved in the Young Democrats of America and in photoâ€™s with Democratic Senator Daniel Akaka. I know, you were all very surprised to learn this as well. And two, that she is irresponsible, lazy, and a freeloader. That much is obvious, no internet search was required.
Sui describes the typical grad student thusly: â€œIt seems that graduate-level education is open only to the select few who can afford it — people who usually come from wealthy, upper-class families.â€ Well, I remember my first year of Grad School quite well (which would be, last year!). I was very far away from coming from a â€œwealthy, upper-class family.â€ But I had this thing called a â€œjob.â€ I started working when I was 18, worked full-time throughout my undergraduate years and by the time I went to Grad School I was working 48 hours a week to pay for my own books, and my own living expenses (the horror!). I know I could have had out-of-wedlock children and whined about everything, but thanks to a healthy rendition of We Shall Overcome, I managed to survive.
But this isnâ€™t about my story of being self-reliant; this is about Suiâ€™s inability to be. So, before Sui demands that my tax dollars go to fund her education, I decided to give her some tips on how she might be able to fund her own education. Good luck, Sui Lang Panoke!
Suggestion 1: Donâ€™t have children you canâ€™t afford. Whoops! She already ruined this one. I know, I should weep for the unwed mother. Iâ€™m sorry that Sui makes bad decisions and now has a fatherless child, but how does this wind up being a problem Iâ€™m supposed to solve? And Iâ€™m already guessing that she is well on her way to milking the system on this whole kid thing. The odds are pretty good that she doesnâ€™t pay federal income taxes and instead receives a check from the federal government (me) known as the Earned Income Credit (EIC).
Suggestion 2: Get a full-time job. Oh wait; she canâ€™t get a full time job because then she wouldnâ€™t qualify for assistance to pay for her childcare, which is funded byâ€¦ me! And remember, her having a child but no husband is my fault, so Iâ€™m glad to fund her childcare. (Iâ€™m seeing a trend here, and I think I now qualify to write off Sui Lang Panoke as a dependent on my next tax return).
Suggestion 3: Donâ€™t go to American University. In case Sui did not notice, the tuition for a graduate student at American University is $18,864 per year. If cost were a major concern, wouldnâ€™t it be wise to go to a graduate school within her budget? I know, Iâ€™m getting a little carried away here, but Sui is paying triple what she would if she went to an in-state graduate program. If you canâ€™t eat the steak, buy the hamburger. Donâ€™t order the steak and cry that it costs too much. Typical elitism.
Suggestion 4: If all else fails, accuse a group of athletes, preferably white, of doing all kinds of racially insensitive things to you. If you play your cards just right, Jesse Jackson may pay for your tuition! It doesnâ€™t even matter if you tell the truth or not. Isnâ€™t that race card thing great!
Sui Lang Panoke, you are obviously a bright star. You make the Democratic Party proud, Iâ€™m sure. After all, where would the Democrats be without the tiresome, whining, greedy, elitist, irresponsible, elitist, pay-for-my-child, pay-for-my-education, pay-for-my-books, pay-for-my-apartment attitude and non-self-reliant, non-consequence oriented people like you? Iâ€™m just glad that one day you will be in government after getting your Graduate degree. Keep it real, baby!
Dustin Hawkins is a social and political commentator. His website is www.dustinmhawkins.com and he can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.