How to Handle Iran

By: Thomas Lindaman

The big game of nuclear chicken being played between the United Nations and Iran is over. After threats of harsh sanctions against Iran, President I’vebeenadinnerjacket said he would defy the UN and continue his nuclear program.

By a show of hands, how many people didn’t see this coming? Now, if you raised your hand, you’re either completely ignorant of the situation or you’re in the United Nations. Granted, the two aren’t mutually exclusive, but if you’re not one, you’re probably the other, if not both.

I’ll bet UN Ambassador John Bolton is more than a little peeved at having to kowtow to the whims of a group of people who don’t seem to see the problem he sees in dealing with Iran. Either that, or they’re actively trying to help Iran by insisting on negotiations and threats of sanctions, thus giving Iran a chance to finish its first nuclear bomb. In either case, we’re looking at a bad ending to this bedtime story.

As you might expect, I have some suggestions on how the UN should handle Iran from now on. First, drop the sanctions idea as a deterrent. Nobody’s scared of sanctions anymore, if they ever were in the first place. Think of it this way. Remember how you were told in school that if you didn’t do exactly what the teachers said or if you didn’t perform up to a certain expectation that any infraction would go on your “permanent record”? When you’re a kid, that’s the scariest thing in the world next
to the Boogeyman and the possibility of a “Small Wonder” reunion show.

As we get older, the threat loses its punch because we realize it’s an idle threat. That’s where UN sanctions are on the scale of things we should take seriously. (But nothing can get the creepiness of a “Small Wonder” reunion out of my head.)

The key to fixing the Iran situation is for the UN to understand the problem, and it’s dirt simple. Iran is being lead by a man who a) has a goofy last name, b) looks remarkably like Balki from “Perfect Strangers,” and c) is completely nuts. Trying to reason with a crazy person is futile at best, as my editors and employer will tell you. You can continue to talk, which further cements the idea that the UN is the geopolitical equivalent of a eunuch, or you can take decisive action and put some punch behind a UN admonition.

Here are a few ways to make Iran think twice about developing a nuke.

1) Strike a deal with Israel. It cannot be denied that Israel, when allowed to engage the enemy instead of being nicey-nice with those who want them dead, has a pretty good military, one that rivals ours. Of course, this has put Israel at odds with the UN for quite some time. However, it’s not impossible for the two to get together on this issue. In exchange for Israel giving Iran a Shiva-esque pimp-slapping, the UN would agree to wipe the slate clean and drop its Israel-hating. A tall order, I know, but it’s a possibility, and it’s a lot better than letting Iran have a nuke.

2) Play “Musical Bombers.” Since we comprise a good chunk of the UN’s enforcement arm, we’d be perfect for this one. Issue an ultimatum to Iran telling them to knock off their nuclear development. Give them 12 hours to decide. If they say no or don’t offer a response, Iran gets to see a working nuke up close and personal. Sure, it would vaporize a city, but it would make a point. Then, give Iran 12 minutes to agree. If the same thing happens, another city goes buh-bye. Repeat until Iran is either a nuclear wasteland or Iran surrenders like a Frenchman. It’s an extreme measure, but these are extreme times and President I’vebeenadinnerjacket is an extreme nutcase.

3) Ramp up the pro-democracy movement in Iran. As shocking as this may be to some, Iranian youth aren’t down with the current theocracy and want change. The problem is that they lack the power and support necessary to affect change. That would change with support and money from the United Nations because it would force Iran to address the pro-democracy movement in earnest. As any parent will tell you, when the kids unite, there’s bound to be trouble. Or a major party.

And if these don’t grab you, here’s one more.

4) Arrange for President I’vebeenadinnerjacket to meet Tony Soprano, if you know what I mean. (And if you do, let me know because I’m not sure.)

Thomas Lindaman is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance, Inc. and The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets. He is also Publisher of

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