Statement by Abu Musab Zarqawi from Islamic Heaven

By: John Lillpop


Brothers and Heirs to the Throne of Heaven,

Praise Be to Allah!

After my arrival here in June, I kissed the clouds and thanked Allah for deliverance from the infidel devils lead by that dyslexic Christian cowboy from Texas, G.W. Bush.

I prayed that, Allah willing, Bush would be forced to spend eternity with Nancy Pelosi in San Francisco, a situation otherwise known as hell.

Praise Be to Allah!

We know that Allah would never punish even the most awful infidel so brutally. So I faced west and, Allah forgive me, prayed to the infidel’s God.

God willing, Bush and Ms. Pelosi will be manacled together forever in San Francisco’s Castro District. Bush will suffer greatly, God willing, at the hands of tens of thousands of young men unable to marry because of Bush the homophobe infidel.

Praise Be to Allah!

Brothers, all is good in Islamic Heaven, save one detail.

Each of the 72 virgins that greeted me is the spitting image of Helen Thomas, a fiction writer who works in Washington D.C., Capitol City of the infidels.

Pray for me, brothers: These women are virgins, but not by choice.

This is not what I expected as my reward for being blown to smithereens.

Praise Be to Allah!

Allah willing, your prayers will deliver unto me 72 middle-eastern Muslim women, ages 15- 21, lean but not mean, beautiful and still virgins by choice.

Allah speed brothers! Without seductive virgins, this gig sucks!

Praise Be to Allah!

Your Comrade in Death,
Musab Zarqawi

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