Conventional Wisdom Midterm Election Mailbag


By: Jonathan David Morris

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
So the GOP lost both houses of Congress. What do you make of this? Was the midterm election a rebuke of George Bush’s disastrous Iraq War policies?

Sincerely,
Stanley in Omaha

Dear Stanley in Omaha,
The GOP didn’t lose both houses of Congress. That’s just what the media want you to believe. Look, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: You can’t trust political polling. Especially when the polls use a lever and take place in a booth. You think it’s just a coincidence the Democrats “won”? The pollsters skewed the results by giving voters a choice between the parties. That doesn’t sound like baiting the question to you?

• • •

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I see Donald Rumsfeld stopped squinting long enough to resign as Defense Secretary. What’s he going to do with his spare time now? We have a job for him here at Burger King.

Sincerely,
The Guy Who Manages Donald Rumsfeld’s Hometown Burger King

Dear Dejected Lowlife Sentenced to a Lifetime of Burger Flipping,
Donald Rumsfeld is going to do the same thing Donald Rumsfeld has always done. He’s going to put his pants on two legs at a time. He’s going to count his chickens weeks before they hatch. If Donald Rumsfeld were an airplane, he would be cleared for a safe landing. I have no concerns about Donald Rumsfeld. You should worry about yourself.

• • •

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Knock-knock. Who is there? Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney who? I don’t know. Wanna go “lame duck” hunting? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Sincerely,
Dan Quail

Dear Dan Quail,
If I were a gun, I would aim for your heart.

• • •

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
There’s been a lot of speculation over Hillary Clinton running for president. What do you think? Will she or won’t she?

Sincerely,
Chelsea Lewinsky, City of Chappaqua

Dear Miss Lewinsky,
Running “for” president? More like she’s running from it. This woman has been stalling to answer this question for years now. There’s a good reason for this. Hillary Clinton understands the name Hillary Clinton is divisive. She stands a much better chance of winning the White House if she waits till after she wins to announce her candidacy. We can’t let her get away with this.

• • •

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Settle a bet. My brother and I think George Bush is gonna start a new war out of anger. I say North Korea; my brother says Vietnam.

Sincerely,
John McCain (not the senator)

Dear Mr. Senator,
You and your brother are equally retarded. Why does everyone assume George Bush is ducking Russia and China? The heavyweight title has been fractured for too many years now, and George Bush is the only champion with the cojones to challenge them both to unify the belts. You’ll see. George Bush is the Lennox Lewis of our generation. Except without the dreadlocks. Oh, and the pawing jab.

• • •

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
How comes the new James Bond has blonde hair?

Sincerely,
The Old James Bond

Dear Double O’Seven,
Let me put it this way. Before you were born, there was a television program known as Bewitched. In it, a guy named Dick York played a character named Darrin. Then Dick York left the show and Dick Sargent played the character. Two guys played Darrin, and both of them were Dicks. Does this answer your question?

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