‘Twas the Night Before a More Sensitive, Tolerant, Inclusive, non-Offensive, Politically Correct Winter Holiday


By: Doug Hagin

‘Twas the night before Winter Solstice, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Ramadan
—–mas or any other holiday anyone, of any faith, or anyone of no faith at all might choose to be celebrating.
All through the house, not an animal, which are just as smart and valuable as people, was stirring, not even a mouse.
The Stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that world peace, as dictated by Jimmy Carter and the UN would soon be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
except for the children who are starving because of evil imperialist America of course,
while visions of diversity classes danced in their heads.
And my domestic partner in his or her, whatever the case might be, Save the Whales T-shirt, and I in my Al Gore for President T-shirt,
had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Could it be global warming? Caused by my Republican neighbors SUV.
Was Cindy Sheehan holding a peace rally?
Perhaps Je$$e Jackson and Al “ Pimp My Hair” Sharpton had come to protest the racism of —–mas?
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the lustre of midday to objects below,
when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a UN environmentally sensitive hybrid,
and eight enraged leftists.
With the driver, so tall and scary
I knew in a moment it must be John Kerry.
More rapid than eagles his charges they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
“Now Kofi!” Now Hillary!”
“Now Teddy!” “Now AlGore!”
“Now Franken!” Now Rosie!”
“Now Carter!” “Now Je$$e!”
“To Iran! To Syria! To Cuba!”
“To North Korea! To Palestine!
“Now dash away! Dash away!
“Away from America all!”
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the whining and griping of each little Leftist.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
down the chimney John Kerry came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fake fur, from his head, to his feet,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes from secondhand smoke.
A bundle of non-violent, gender neutral toys he had slung on his back,
And he looked like an ACLU lawyer just opening his pack.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
filling all the stockings with gifts of sensitivity and inclusion.
Universal health care, and entitlements galore,
gun control, tax increases, abortions and much more.
Books by Marx and Hillary, Carter and Al Gore.
Retreat from Iraq and appeasement for terrorists,
anything and everything on any Leftists’ list.
Then laying a Che Guevera T-shirt at my feet,
He turned and rose up the chimney back into the sleet.
He sprang to his environmentally sensitive hybrid,
to his team of Leftists gave a whistle,
and off they flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as they drove out of sight.
Please, Teddy keep away from the bridges tonight.

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