Breaking News: Liberals Ask FCC to Expand “Dirty Words” List for Xmas!


By: John Lillpop

Lillpopnewsource@staire.com (Washington, D.C.)

In a hastily called press conference held at a local mortuary, Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi and incoming Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid petitioned FCC Commissioner Kevin Martin to issue an immediate order that would expand the list of “Seven Dirty Words” to nine just in time for the holidays.

Pelosi and Reid have identified the words “Merry Christmas” as offensive and humiliating to men and women throughout America, and they want the FCC to prohibit all broadcasters from using this profane language, effective immediately.

In a joint communiqué issued by Pelosi and Reid, the Democrat leaders cite overwhelming medical information that “demonstrates that repeated exposure to viscous hate speech in the form of unsolicited and unwelcome ‘Merry Christmas’ greetings has the potential to turn into a pandemic of ill will for many innocent Americans. In particular, these insensitive verbal assaults cause great psychological harm to Muslims, and are a major factor behind the skyrocketing increase in mental health care costs in Muslim communities.”

The communiqué continues: “America’s problems in Iraq and throughout the terrorist world are a direct result of racial profiling at U.S. airports and the irresponsible and reckless policy of wishing potential terrorists a ‘Merry Christmas’ as they are being searched for liquid mascara, after shave lotion, finger nail polish, and other insidious weapons of mass destruction.”

“The Democrat party has always stood for the little guy, and potential terrorists are about as little as they come. We demand that the Bush administration cease these discriminatory and divisive practices immediately,” concluded the Pelosi-Reid statement.

President Bush, signing the final 100,000 “Holiday” cards at the White House, signaled a willingness to work with the Democrats on this delicate issue. The president said, “We are willing to meet Pelosi and Reid half way, if they will just include a tax cut for the major networks and airlines in their proposals. As for me and Laura, we switched to ‘Feliz Navidad’ six years ago, so we are already compliant!”

And so it is—Christmas in America, circa 2006.



John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

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