Liberals â€“ Real Life Underpants Gnomes
By: J.J. Jackson
Liberals know what they want to do and they know where they want to take the rest of us. The problem is that they just donâ€™t have any idea exactly how what they want to do is useful in getting us there. This puts me in mind of one of the more hilarious episodes of South Park where Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny along with Tweek discover the ever industrious â€œUnderpants Gnomesâ€.
For those unfamiliar with South Park, the Underpants Gnomes have a plan that consists of three phases. First the gnomes collect underpants and third they make a profit. Problem is that the second phase, the transition between their idea and their goal, is never detailed. It is never detailed because there isnâ€™t a â€œsecond phaseâ€.
The hapless gnomes are relying basically on nothing more than a blind hope that somehow collecting underpants leads to profit. How they get to their goal is a great unknown. But they are convinced beyond all reason that they are on the road to success as long as they continue to collect underpants.
Now, instead of underpants liberals collect something more dangerous. They collect arbitrary power and control over the lives of those they rule. And instead of profit the liberals are seeking a land of milk and honey ruled by their benevolence and controlled by their regulations. But the great, mysterious â€œsecond phaseâ€ is still missing. And just like the beleaguered gnomes they are convinced beyond all reason that they are on the road to success and that controlling the lives of people leads us all to paradise.
The liberals gain power (the infamous phase one) and pass all sorts of control over our everyday lives. They violate unalienable rights, usurp power and just generally do what they want. Then they wait. And they wait. And they even wait some more. Itâ€™s time for â€œphase twoâ€ after all. And we all know that whatever is supposed to happen in â€œphase twoâ€ will surely lead to utopia. Right?
But as time drags on nothing happens. â€œPhase twoâ€ doesnâ€™t kick in and utopia is not realized. So they accrue more control over our lives and usurp more powers and rights. Then they wait some more. And they wait some more after that.
Still nothing happens.
Now they are scratching their heads because this cannot be. After all they had their â€œplanâ€. And that plan was clearly laid out.
Phase one: gain arbitrary control over the lives of the people and usurp basic rights
Phase two: ? ? ?
Phase three: UTOPIA!
Itâ€™s so simple! So why isnâ€™t it working?
It isnâ€™t working because there is no link between what is going on in â€œphase oneâ€ to what is desired to happen in â€œphase threeâ€.
Time and again this realization smacks liberals in the face. Time and again they come into power all over the world hailing the wonders of socialism. And time and again those that buy into the slick talking salesmen peddling this snake oil are left waiting for â€œphase twoâ€ and never even come close to the promised result.
One need not wait to see this happen again should Senatorette Hillary Clinton become elected President and make good on her promise to seize money from oil companies for her pet projects and desires. One need not wait to see this happen should Barack Obama become President instead and push forward his plans to give government even greater control over the healthcare industry.
Sure, it is easy to point to failing socialist states across Europe with high unemployment and collapsing social welfare structures. And sure it is easy to point to completely collapsed communist â€œutopiasâ€ like Cuba, North Korea and the Soviet Union. But why bother when we need only look at how events are playing out in Venezuela today which, as history teaches us, are exactly the way they always do when the magical three phase plan of liberals is implemented.
Hugo Chavez is in â€œphase oneâ€ and accruing power. He is gobbling up businesses and property belonging to citizens while instituting arbitrary controls on prices because that is what he wants. He wants power.
He was given it by the people of Venezuela because he promised them the land of milk and honey. And all they have to do now is sit back and wait for â€œphase twoâ€ to soon to follow.
But remember there is no phase two. We know that. But still people foolishly believe in it. They still foolishly believe that if only the right person comes along to manage â€œphase oneâ€, â€œphase twoâ€ will be jump started.
For Venezuelans however things are already not looking so good. The wheels, as they say, are starting to come off. Venezuelaâ€™s currency is collapsing. There are shortages. Foreign investment is fleeing. And the economy is falling apart.
And what about phase two? Where is it?
Ask Hugo Chavez and youâ€™ll hear veiled and not so veiled accusations that America is to blame. He claims that we here in the United States are somehow interfering with the success of his plan.
But that doesnâ€™t make any sense now does it? If his plan was so great and our plan so bad how is it that his is not the one succeeding?
The answer again is that there is no â€œphase twoâ€ that comes from the ideas of socialism. And the notion that you can get to utopia by oppressing people and their liberties is today, will be tomorrow, and always has been absurd.
You might as well be stealing underpants and looking to make a profit.
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author from Pittsburgh, PA who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the Pittsburgh Conservative Examiner for Examiner.com. He is also the owner of The Right Things - Conservative T-shirts & Gifts The Right Things. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.