Speaker Pelosi: Al Gore’s Oscar, Dick Cheney’s Life, and Dubya’s Phone Manners


By: John Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has made headlines all over the world recently with her eyeball-to-eyeball conflagration with Vice President Dick Cheney. Pelosi actually wanted to have a heart-to-heart session, but the Veep smelled the obvious trap and declined.

Speaker Pelosi was in Hollywood on Sunday night for the Academy Awards, and she agreed to this interview on the Red Carpet:

John:

Well, again, Speaker Pelosi, thank you ever so much for taking time from your busy schedule to spend a few minutes chatting. What brings you to the Oscars?

Speaker Pelosi:

Nice to see you again, John. My main interest in being here tonight is to witness the transformation of the world by the 43rd president of the United States.

John:

Madam Speaker? I did not know that President Bush was scheduled to be here tonight.

Speaker Pelosi:

Oh, good grief, John! I mean the real winner of the 2000 election. Al Gore, the man who fell victim to that vast right wing conspiracy at the Supreme Court. The man who should be president!

John:

Oh, I see. Any particular reason why you came to see Mr. Gore?

Speaker Pelosi:

Of course. The man who should be the 43rd president of the United States is going to receive an Oscar for his magnificent movie. That honor will spark a worldwide revolution against politicians and business leaders who refuse to think green. Al Gore is about to change the world forever.

Besides, it’s too cold in Washington.

John:

That makes perfect sense.

Now, Madam Speaker, you, and Vice President Dick Cheney seem to be engaged in a personal war. Verbal charges and counter charges, back and forth.

What is that all about, Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

First of all, John let make this perfectly clear. I was very upset by the recent attempt to assassinate Mr. Cheney. There is no place for that sort of action in our debate.

Secondly, I believe that the incident proves my point. Namely, that Al-Quaeda poses no legitimate threat to America or our allies. The entire issue is overblown.

John:

You believe that the attempted murder of a sitting vice president is just hype? What do you plan to do about it?

Speaker Pelosi:

Exactly right, John. The Cheney attempted murder was nothing more than a “crisis” staged by the White House to grab news headlines.

As far as what I plan to do about it, after the news broke I immediately called the president to complain about Cheney’s grandstanding.

John:

And how did the president respond?

Speaker Pelosi:

He asked the basis for my complaint. That is when I told the president that Cheney faked a murder attempt because he knows that Democrats were about to announce major legislation to help poor Americans. Cheney clearly wanted to knock me off the front pages.

John:

New legislation? What is that Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, I was saving this for prime time news, but since Cheney hogged the airwaves, I guess I can tell you.

We Democrats have decided to rewrite the minimum wage law so that it applies to all military personnel as well as to those in private enterprise. Except for Tuna corporations headquartered in San Francisco, that is.

John:

But won’t that do severe economic damage to the men and women who serve so bravely and heroically in the military? The people whose lives are on the line?

Speaker Pelosi:

Actually, worrying about those in uniform is pure rubbish! As John Kerry correctly pointed out, those in Iraq are the least bright and least educated in our society–we need to stop pandering to the less capable.

Besides, there is a huge income gap between what people in uniform earn and the real poor–especially the 30 million illegal aliens here from Mexico.

John:

How will cutting the income of brave American heroes help illegal aliens, Ms. Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Under the Democrats’ plan, wasteful military incomes will be slashed and the savings will be used to buy health care insurance and education for illegal aliens.

It’s a win-win for America!

John:

Wow! That is bold and creative. Did you share that plan with President Bush?

Speaker Pelosi:

Funny thing, that. I had just finished explaining to the president that the Cheney murder attempt was prove positive that I should have a fleet of 757 Air Force jets on call 24/7.

John:

And?

Speaker Pelosi:

Before I could get to my next point, the line went dead. I called back but the switchboard operator said the president complained of a throbbing headache and had gone to bed.

John:

So, what’s next?

Speaker Pelosi:

I will call George again, first thing in the morning.

Like I say, “It is a new day in America!” and I mean it!

John:

Thank you for your time, Speaker Pelosi.

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