No Primate Is Illegal
By: J.J. Jackson
Did you know that non-humans are supposed to have â€œhuman rightsâ€? Talk about losing the language, but that is exactly what some are trying to establish.
The test subject for redefining â€œhumanâ€ is a 26-year old chimpanzee named Hiasl which certain animal rights activists are trying to get legally declared a â€œpersonâ€. This all of course ignores the fact that Hiasl is not a person. But hey, whatâ€™s a obvious discrepancy like that among friends ad political activists right?
The lawyer leading this charge, Eberhart Theuer, says of the effort, “Our main argument is that Hiasl is a person and has basic legal rightsâ€. Meaning what exactly? Theuer explains that too saying, “We mean the right to life, the right to not be tortured, the right to freedom under certain conditions”. Ok, anything else? “If we can get Hiasl declared a person, he would have the right to own property.â€
Ok, is their anything they donâ€™t want Hiasl to have? “We’re not talking about the right to vote here,” Theuer said. Well, thank goodness for small favors I suppose. Although one has to wonder why Mr. Theuer doesnâ€™t think that being able to vote for oneâ€™s representatives would be a â€œhuman rightâ€. Perhaps he thinks that Hiasl will just go ape at the polls?
I can see it now! A grassroots cry to grant human rights and personhood to all non-human higher primates.
Hmm. This certainly would however throw a huge monkey wrench into the claims of certain groups from North, Central and South America that they have the right to be in the United States by virtue that their ancestors were the â€œfirstâ€ to colonize these continents and that â€œtheir landâ€ was â€œstolenâ€. You know, the people that take to the streets by the thousands and wail about how their forefathers lost land they once â€œownedâ€ through war and foreign invasion. They claim that because they were there â€œfirstâ€, the land is rightfully theirs and they have a default right to be here. In fact this is the major reasoning behind the Reconquista movement where the majority of Mexicans believe that the south west United States is rightfully theirs.
Making primates â€œhumansâ€ and giving them many of the same rights would certainly not sit well with these folks who run across our border and claim that they have a â€œrightâ€ to be here because the white man stole their land and are trumpeting the meaningless phrase that â€œno human is illegalâ€. Now the primates would be able to say the same thing about the invasion of their natural and native lands all across the Americas! Now primates who would be the truly indigenous peoples of the Americas and can begin their own Reconquista movement against the so-called racist â€œnativeâ€ Americans who have taken their land!
Perhaps we can call the new campaign â€œNo Primate Is Illegalâ€ modeled after the silly cries of illegal aliens flooding across the borders of the United States and trying to justify the right to break the law and reclaim land that once belonged to them but that they have since lost.
Oh, sweet irony?
Primates all across the Americas could begin this campaign against the evil occupiers who stole their land (and it is their land if Mr. Theuer and those like him get their way) and take to the streets of major Central and South American cities in protest marches! Why not? Many of their citizens do it here in the States after all.
And in these marches they will demand the government of countries such as Mexico, Nicaragua, Belize, Ecuador, Brazil, and many others give these primates jobs, the right to freely cross borders arbitrarily established by their oppressors, citizenship, free health care, in state tuition for college, reparations, and so on. The primates as new â€œhumansâ€ can also demand equal representation in the governments of these countries as well.
Perhaps now instead of contractors looking for cheap labor pulling up in front of the local Home Depot and picking up a truck load of illegal Hispanics, they will instead pull up in front of the local fruit stand for monkeys that will work for even less. I wonder if the illegals that had that market cornered will take it lying down.
Somehow I think not.
Will gang wars begin to erupt over â€œturfâ€? Perhaps on the evening news weâ€™ll begin to hear reports like:
â€œNews Anchorette: Bob, the scene at Frankieâ€™s Fruit Stand was horrific today as a community looks for answers and the police hunt for suspects. A little after seven oâ€™clock this morning eight howler monkeys were gunned down right at this very spot. Police are looking for a rusted out pickup carrying what witnesses describe as four Hispanic males who sprayed the area with bullets and shouted racial slurs and chants of â€˜Viva Mexicoâ€™ as they drove off through this sleepy little town.
The mother of one of the victims spoke with us just an few minutes ago …
Monkey Mom: Oooh! OOH!! AAHHH!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
News Anchorette: There you have it; a motherâ€™s tearful plea for help at bringing to justice those who took her son from her.
Others who knew Oh-ah-oooh described him as a gentle person; someone that was just trying to make a better life for his wife and six little children.
But residents of this town seem to think that this was inevitable and have an intense dislike for what they are calling â€œillegalâ€ primate workers.
Mr. Sanchez: Aye Carumba! Wha did you eespect! Dez illegal primates have bin eenvading our communitay! Dey bringing crime and property values and wages down. You canâ€™t go out at night wit-out being scared of being caught in tha crossfire of a fecal matter drive by! We fed up!
More details as they become available …â€
As events like this become more common place and as the descendants of â€œnativeâ€ Americans resist, civil unrest will certainly occur. Monkeys, apes and all primates will take to the streets and loot stores chanting â€œOOH! OH! OOOOOOH!â€ which loosely translates to â€œSi, Se Puedeâ€ or â€œYes We Canâ€!
Then will come the Great Banana Riots and God only knows where it will end. This would certainly change the landscape of the immigration debate I think.
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author from Pittsburgh, PA who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the Pittsburgh Conservative Examiner for Examiner.com. He is also the owner of The Right Things - Conservative T-shirts & Gifts The Right Things. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.