John Edwards–John Edward in ’08
By: Amy Barath
The pairing of Sen. John Edwards the lawyer with John Edward the paranormal medium is a marriage made in heaven, literally. When John Edwards the lawyer tells the country he hears the voices of dead soldiers speaking to him from the grave, John Edward the paranormal medium call tell us which soldiers, give us their names, tell us if they are conferring with soldiers who died on the battlefield in any number of previous wars and then demand George Bush listen to their advice.” Their” being the advice of the Dead Soldiers Committee Group, the DSCG, as communicated through the country’s personal paranormal medium, John Edward.
During the Edwards–Edward election campaign, John Edward the paranormal medium could have a dialogue with American Indian Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce nation, a military strategist whose methods are studied by cadets at our West Point academy. Wouldn’t Chris Matthews be interested to know what Chief Joseph’s strategy would be in Iraq? John Edwards the paranormal medium could be Chris Matthew’s guest for the whole hour. Chris could ask John Edward to conjure up a whole host of advisors–George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Adolph Hitler. If information is out there, don’t the American people have a right to know…anything, even what Moses would do about the ‘insurgency’ in Iraq?
John Edward the paranormal medium could confer with the Iraqi War Commission and testify on Capitol Hill. Through John Edward the paranormal medium, Sen. Biden could speak directly to Chief Joseph. Chief Joseph has all the time in the world, infinity to be exact, so Sen. Biden could make his usual 3 hour speech about how accomplished and terrific he is and then the committee could break for a power lunch. After lunch, Sen. Biden could go around the room, thank every Sen. for being there (as if they are doing the American people a favor), tell the public (via C-Span), how wonderful the spouses and children are of every Senator in the room and then they could adjourn for the day and continue this charade the next day. Time is not an issue, through John Edward the paranormal medium, Chief Joseph is at their eternal disposal. Dems relish when someone–anyone– even a dead person, is at their disposal.
Consider the Dems favorite prank–the poll numbers! For God’s sake, John Edward the paranormal medium could endear himself to Libs the world over, by revealing the poll number results before the actual poll was taken! Think about the number of disturbing dinnertime phonecalls that could be eliminated. And when it comes to saving the country from unneccesary spending, John Edward the paranormal medium could channel a plan to balance the budget. He could speak with the spirit of Kenneth Lay and get valuable advice and accurate predictions regarding the future of the stock market. Now every American could enjoy a Hillary-type stock market windfall.
Once elected, every Saturday morning immediately after President John Edward’s State of the Union address, Vice President John Edward the paranormal medium could reveal the following week’s winning Powerball numbers! Not only would the Saturday morning TV ratings go through the roof, every American would be a lotto millionaire. How’s that for a campaign promise?
As a matter of course, there would be no more surprises. Does Iran have nuclear weapons? How many more soldiers will die in Iraq and once slain, how soon can we speak with them? Is Dan Rather a liar? Is Israel really to blame for everything that goes wrong in the world? Will Hezbollah return the captured Israeli soldiers? On what day and time? Will it be raining? Will they be released after lunchtime? Is there a lunchtime in Gaza? Does Kofi Annan care about any of this? Any question which might arise John Edwards the President could allow John Edward the Vice President to hold a press conference. In fact, the position of Press Secretary could be eliminated as John Edward the paranormal medium would answer all questions with pinpoint accuracy. No more beating around the Bush, as in the present administration, something the Libs like to refer to as a ‘regime.’
In fact, the entire Press Core would become obsolete. We could outsource David Gregory and Nora O’Donnell to John Edwardâ€™s headquarters in outer space. “This is David Gregory, reporting live from the red planet,” would be a common sign off to MSNBC, provided they hook up all the wires correctly. Perhaps they could get some help, through Vice President Edward, from Albert Einstein.
Yes, the John Edwards–John Edward ticket for ’08 would be a formidable entity. Who could argue with a lawyer who hears the voices of dead children attempting to be born paired with a paranormal entity who can communicate with the dead once they are banished to eternity? Who could argue with such a powerful ticket? Hillary?