Welcome Back to Work, Dr. Death!
By: John Lillpop
Congratulations to you, Doctor Kevorkian, for your release after eight years in prison. We know that your newly awarded freedom is a blessing to you and your family, and it may be just what America needs at this point in our history as well.
If simple math serves correctly, you began your stint away from home in 1999.
Back then, Bill Clinton was president, gasoline was under $2.50 a gallon, Saddam Hussein was a brutal bully, Islam was considered a “Religion of Peace,” and people actually paid good money for VHS video tapes.
In 1999, not more than one in a 100 Americans could properly pronounce, much less recognize, the names Osama bin Laden and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Most Americans thought Middle East was that delightful part of Americana half way between Chicago and New York City.
Mention Speaker Pelosi in 1999, and people would immediately think of a breakfast keynoter at a Toastmasters, not the top hen in the U.S. House. And certainly not a bug-eyed female anarchist from San Francisco!
Talk about Bill Clinton’s operation and most would have guessed that Hillary had finally had it with her promiscuous mate, and had chopped off a vital part of the president’s male anatomy, restorable only through delicate surgery.
Back then, no one would have believed that a man who cannot pronounce “nuclear,” and who makes Yogi Berra sound like a highly gifted public speaker, would be elected president of the United States.
Twice, no less!
But since 1999, everything has changed in America and throughout the world.
As a result of these changes, there is a lengthy list of American public figures that urgently need your services, although they themselves may be unaware of the need.
That is where your powers of persuasion will come in handy, Dr. Jack.
It will be up to you to convince each of the people on the list of their impending doom, and of the expediency and dignity of ending it all on one’s own terms.
Your main pitch should be: Why wait for action by a God that you do not believe in anyway?
So off we go. Please help to make the following among the dearly departed as soon as possible, but absolutely, positively before November 9, 2008:
* All Democrats in the U.S. House and Senate;
* All congressional Republicans who support amnesty for illegal aliens;
* Howard Dean and all staff at the Democratic National Committee;
* All ACLU, Planned Parenthood, CAIR, and La Raza employees;
* All former U.S. Presidents still alive and haunting America;
* Rosie O’Donnell, Cindy Sheehan, Ted Turner, Jane Fonda, and Paris Hilton;
* All residents of San Francisco old enough, but not smart enough, to vote;
* Barry Bonds’ steroid supplier, and
* Dubya, AKA George W. Bush, former King of Texas, and current squatter-in-chief at 1600 Pennsylvania.
We urge you to move with dispatch and efficiency, Dr. Jack.
Please be advised that, in terms of priorities, helping the Democrats and Dubya first makes the most sense for the future of America.
Should you fail to act quickly, we will have 12-30 million third-world legalized peasants for you to deal with.
Trusting you to bring death with dignity and respect, we thank you for your good works and say “Welcome Home!”