Dubya’s G8 Bombshell!
By: John Lillpop
In a surprise move this morning, President Bush announced that he would address the American people live from the G8 summit in Germany.
Although the exact subject was not disclosed, it is being billed as “a major policy statement that will have a major impact on all Americans.”
The president has requested broadcast time from all major U.S. networks starting at 11 AM, Eastern Standard Time. The speech is expected to last about one half hour, which should enable the president to be in bed before 830 PM in Germany.
830 PM is only slightly later than the president’s normal bed time, so it is not expected to impact his attention span or energy level too dramatically.
With the entire world anxiously awaiting to hear what the president will say during his historic speech to the nation while on foreign soil, belt way insider Opel Bijiquiovarti, speaking on condition of anonymity, reports that Bush will rock America and all of the world with a â€œG8 Bombshell!â€
According to Bijiquiovarti, the following is the final transcript of the speech that Bush will deliver from his hotel room tomorrow morning:
â€œGood evening, fellow Americans. Laura and I extend our best wishes to each and every American from the nation of Germany, a great ally and trustworthy friend of the United States.
â€œLast November, America showed the world why we are the greatest and most blessed nation in human history.
â€œFor on that otherwise ordinary Tuesday in November, the principles of freedom, rule of law, and self-determination were exercised by tens of millions of patriotic Americans who voted in free and open elections.
â€œWithout a single shot being fired, the American people demanded a massive change in government: Republicans were to be replaced by Democrats.
â€œFor Republicans, including your president, that message was a disappointment. We worked hard to serve the American people, and thought that we succeeded, for the most part.
â€œNonetheless, I respect the will of the people and will abide by their judgments. That is what the U.S. Constitution requires me to do, and it is also the right thing to do.
â€œImmediately after the results of the election became clear, I began implementing the will of the people.
â€œOn November 8, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield was allowed to resign in order that a new direction could be pursued in Iraq.
â€œLater that month, John Bolton was permitted to resign as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and Ken Mehlman was replaced as Republican National Committee Chairman.
â€œLater on, Harriet Miers left the White House and returned to Texas to oversee the state lottery. Laura and I wish Harriet the best, and are willing to bet the ranch that she will do a great job.
â€œNote, please, that none of these changes were specifically called for by the November elections.
â€œBut because I have always been a unifier rather than a divider, I have expanded my policy of preemptive strikes to include urgent domestic issues, where possible, without sacrificing principles.
â€œIn keeping with that policy decision and to further demonstrate my commitment to the will of the people, I am announcing the most dramatic change of all, a move that is unprecedented in American history.
â€œI am announcing here and now, that I, George W. Bush, president of the United States, have changed my political affiliation from Republican to Democrat, effective immediately!
â€œTo cynics in the media and jaded politicians on both sides of the aisle, do not misinterpret this as a political act of desperation, or a public relations ploy.
â€œLet the truth reverberate loud and clear: George W. Bush has changed his long-held political allegiance in order to accommodate the will of the American people.
â€œTo my new Democratic colleagues, please rest assured that we already share many common goals and ideals.
â€œIndeed, when it comes to illegal immigration, open borders, bilingual everything, coddling Muslims, No Child Left Behind, trillions for new entitlement programs, out-of-control spending, and massive federal debts, I have been a dedicated liberal for several years.
â€œOf course, we do differ on the war in Iraq.
â€œIn this regard, as the new leader of the Democrat party, I hereby order Speaker Pelosi and Senate Leader Reid to join me in embracing the â€œsurgeâ€ strategy that America needs to win the war on terror. I have also ordered these two exceptional servants of the American people to expunge the terms “time lines” and “bench marks” from their vocabularies and word processing dictionaries.
â€œFinally, in order to manage a smooth transition of my administration from Republican to Democrat, I have asked Howard Dean to replace Karl Rove in the White House, also effective immediately.
â€œAs your new Democrat president, I promise to work tirelessly for the American people in pursuit of goals that will advance the interests of America and its people, in the most liberal direction humanly possible.
Thank you, and God Bless America.â€