Jose, Can You See?

By: Thomas Lindaman

These days people seem to ask me two questions. One, “Sir, where are your pants?” And two, “What’s your take on the immigration issue?” As you might expect, my answers to both may surprise you. By the way, since when did McDonalds become so uptight about being pantless? Just because some lady said she could see my Big Mac, if you know what I mean…

Immigration, legal and otherwise, is full of inconsistencies and utter insanity to anyone who bothers to look beyond the surface. In other words, immigration is like Dennis Kucinich. Then again, that may be cruel. Immigration laws make more sense than Kucinich ever did.

To fully understand the situation, we need to look at both legal and illegal immigration. First, let’s look at legal immigration, the type that everyone except the most xenophobic amongst us thinks is okay. Well, everyone, except the federal government, that is. Our government puts limits on the number of Europeans (read: whites) allowed to come into the country while having no such limits on immigrants from other countries. And if that wasn’t bad enough, we make European immigrants jump through so many hoops they can perform for Cirque du Soleil.

In other words, if blonde-haired, blue-eyed, totally hot Inga from Sweden and her equally blonde, equally blue-eyed, and equally hot friends want to come to America, they will most likely have to wait in line while Middle Eastern men waltz in without so much as a raised eyebrow from Uncle Sam. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a crime in this bachelor’s book.

Now that we’ve dealt with the insanity of legal immigration, let’s move into the really insane world of illegal immigration. To say we have a problem with illegal immigration in this country is an understatement like saying Rosie O’Donnell is kinda ticked at President George W. Bush. After hearing his latest attempt to “reform” immigration, I’m almost right there with Rosie.

President Bush, if you’re reading this, let me ask you something. Are you flipping NUTS??? The problem isn’t that illegals aren’t being treated like valuable members of the American community. The problem is that they’re breaking the law to get here in the first place! Offering them amnesty and coming up with a plan to fine them and force them to go back home for a couple of years won’t do any good because they’re already predisposed to disobey our laws. Not to mention, how many illegal immigrants even have five grand on them? Now that they have Geraldo Rivera offering to pay those fines on behalf of those illegals who can’t afford it, at least one illegal immigrant will be able to have his or her fine paid for. The rest are on their own.

As bad as the Bush option is, it may not be the worst idea on the table. One side wants to heavily find any business that gets caught hiring illegals. Good idea, if you can make sure the owners aren’t finding ways around it. All they have to do is go to any college campus and seek out the guy who can make realistic fake IDs. And if our law enforcement officers give those fake IDs the same attention that a bouncer at just about any college bar gives fake IDs, it’s a cinch that we won’t solve that problem. If anything, fining businesses that hire illegals will create an instant market for fake documentation. And some college kids stand to make a ton of money.

On the other side of the fence, we have people wanting to build a wall. On the surface, that makes more sense, considering our current border fence has more holes than a Swiss cheese factory in the middle of a gang war. A wall or a fence is a physical structure that can be circumvented in one of four ways: over, under, around, and through. And from what we’ve seen so far, the illegals have already figured out how to tunnel under the fence we already have. Build a wall…and they’ll do the same thing.

So, what is the solution to the immigration problem? First off, we have to use our heads for something other than to store earwax. Reform the existing immigration laws so that they’re not so politically correct. People want to come here for a reason, and playing favorites based on race or nationality is a bad idea not unlike letting Carrot Top play Othello. Or any other game for that matter.

Regarding illegal immigration, we’re left with only one choice. We have to fix Mexico, and I’m not talking like an “Extreme Makeover: Mexico Edition” because Ty Pennington would get into the tequila and that would be bad. Instead, we have to fix Mexico’s government and economy. The government in Mexico is so corrupt it makes ours look like a one card game of Three Card Monty. Get the corrupt politicians out of power and get people in there who will actually work for everyone. Of course, the same could be applied to us, but that’s another column.

Then, we have to work on Mexico’s economy. Mexicans are hard workers, as we’ve seen and heard from politicians. So, why not take that work ethic and have it work in Mexico instead of here? Get a couple of major companies to set up shop in Mexico, hire Mexicans, and let capitalism take over.

Some of you out there are going to say that Mexico have to fix their problems and that we can’t and shouldn’t. Unfortunately, we can’t take that position anymore. We have a vested interest in Mexico’s outcome since a good number of their citizens are heading our way. If you want to stop the illegal immigration problem, attack the root cause. If you want to stop the legal immigration problem, lobby Congress to change the immigration policy for those wanting to come to America legally. And if you want to stop me going into a McDonalds without my pants, you’ll have to catch me first.

Thomas Lindaman is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance, Inc. and The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets. He is also Publisher of

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