Idiocy At The Speed of Ludicrous
By: J.J. Jackson
The internet is a great thing and we should all be thankful to Al Gore for creating it for us. Now, before I get one more email from some numbskull saying that Al Gore never claimed to have invented the internet let me put that fallacy to rest by providing you with his exact quote: â€œDuring my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the internet.â€ â€“ Al Gore, CNNâ€™s â€œLate Editionâ€ March 9th, 1999
You can get out your dictionary and see that â€œcreateâ€ and â€œinventâ€ are synonyms. Now that weâ€™ve gotten that out of the way, I reiterate that everyone should send Mr. Gore a nice card to thank him for his invention.
Personally I use Mr. Goreâ€™s creation every day. It is a lot easier than having seven newspapers delivered to my door step and I can read hundreds of different sources and opinions with only a few mouse clicks and keystrokes. But I have learned something through my time using the internet. And I want to share that discovery with you today.
For a long time scientists have told us that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. Whatâ€™s more, they told us that data traveling over copper wire, co-axial cable or fiber optic cables has an even slower limit to its speed which is why the internet still isnâ€™t quite â€œinstantaneousâ€. Iâ€™m sure Al Gore is working on that however. But I have discovered that that there are certain things that can in fact break the speed of light and the laws of science and they do exist on the modern internet.
The great thinker Mel Brooks puts before us in his movie Spaceballs (circa 1987) the existence of speeds that before the internet we could only speculate existed. This is where we are introduced to the notions of â€œridiculous speedâ€ and â€œludicrous speedâ€. Ridiculous speed and ludicrous speed, we learn, are faster than anything we currently know of; even light speed. And of course, they are available only to the bumbling and inept. In Spaceballs these folks were represented by President Skroob, Lord Helmet and their cronies.
Ridiculous speed is, of course, not as fast as ludicrous speed but still pretty darn fast. And, as we learn from Spaceballs, idiocy and foolishness (President Skroob, et al) can indeed travel at not just ridiculous speed but also at the amazing fast pace of ludicrous speed! Most people scoffed at this idea. They called it crazy talk. But they were wrong.
Itâ€™s true that maybe we canâ€™t make intergalactic starships travel at this speed, but time and again foolish and uninformed ideas prove they can. And all thanks to the miracle of the internet.
The internet is in fact full of idiocy; lots of little digital Lord Helmets and even a few President Skroobs too. Most of them garner no attention but a few of them, the President Scroobs who are the kings and queens of idiocy, get millions of eyeballs sucking up their every word. The information (if we can call it such) that they impart to their minions spreads like a wildfire engulfing everything in its path. Not even the truth can stop them.
Remember the rumors leading up to the 2004 Presidential election that George Bush had a secret plan to reinstate the military draft? It was a very popular piece of idiocy that was posted on site after site despite the fact that such a plan was actually proposed by a liberal Democrat.
Or maybe you are more familiar with all the 9/11 conspiracy theories including, but not limited to, how there was no plane at the Pentagon? Again, all are very popular and they hit these websites fast, hard and are still treated as gospel there. But show actual pictures of the wreckage and cite quotes in context of people who actually saw the plane approaching the target and those that frequent these sites call you â€œcrazyâ€.
Michael Moore creates a â€œdocumentaryâ€ about how Roger Smith wonâ€™t meet with him? GOSPEL!. Gospel, that is, despite the fact that it was all lies. And sites have popped up to try and refute the refutations and the actual facts that the movie ignores.
The NAZIs and Hitler were evil right wingers? The Holy Grail of internet idiocy! But donâ€™t ever point out the NAZI party was the â€œNational Socialist German Workers’ Partyâ€. And donâ€™t even think about bringing up how the Holocaust really did indeed happen to some people. If you do, they will begin goose stepping and calling you an evil Zionist.
Itâ€™s kind of like the episode of Family Guy where Brian and Stewie are on the German tour bus:
Brian: â€œYeah, uh about your pamphlet … uh, I – I’m not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945 there’s just a big gap.â€
German Guide: â€œEveryone vas on vacation! On your left is Munich’s first city hall, erected in 15…â€
Brian: â€œWa â€“ wa -wait! What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and…â€
German Guide (cutting him off): â€œWe were invited! Punch vas served! Check vit Poland!â€
The bit goes on with the German Guide finally cracking under the pressure of the truth and shouting, â€œI vill hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. You will sit down! You will shut up! You will not insult Germany!â€
Or how about the idiocy about â€œGlobal Warmingâ€ being manmade? Yep, people believe it. But ever bring up that the Earth was warmer in the past before the evil blight of mankind and that there is evidence that all celestial bodies in our solar system heat and cool over time and youâ€™ve just run afoul of orthodoxy. Point out that there is no â€œconsensusâ€ among scientists and you take your life in your own hands as tree hugging, peace activist vegans prepare to find out where you live.
And then of course who can forget all the claims that it was George Bush who â€œliedâ€ to take us into a war with Iraq? These sites are always more than willing to quote anything President Bush said with regards to Saddam Hussein, but if you ever, ever quote Al Gore, President Clinton, Senatorrette Hillary Clinton, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, Senator John Kerry making the same arguments about Iraq as a bastion of terrorism long before President Bush was elected into office they look at you like you have three heads.
And letâ€™s not forget the latest instance where Elizabeth and John Edwards, along with their little mind numbed robots, are claiming that Ann Coulter wished that Mr. Edwards would be killed by a terrorist assassination plot.
The quote they use to justify this is: â€œIf Iâ€™m going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, Iâ€™ll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot.â€ But the actual quote refers to Bill Maher being completely unchastised by the same leftists for wishing Dick Cheney dead in a similar manner. The complete quote from Ms. Coulter is: â€œI wouldnâ€™t insult gays by comparing them to John Edwards. That would be mean. But about the same time … you know Bill Maher was not joking and saying he wished Dick Cheney had been killed in a terrorist attack. So Iâ€™ve learned my lesson. If Iâ€™m going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, Iâ€™ll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot.â€
Theyâ€™ve gone so far beyond the realm of reason and truth that it is amazing anyone would find anything of value in what they have to say. But they move so fast and jump from one so-called â€œideaâ€ to the next while simply dismissing any actual facts that they have too much momentum.
To quote Barf, the lovable sidekick of the hero in Spaceballs, â€œTheyâ€™ve gone plaid.â€
Idiocy persists and it continues on. The coordinates are laid in. Full ludicrous speed ahead!
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author whose weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author from Pittsburgh, PA who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the Pittsburgh Conservative Examiner for Examiner.com. He is also the owner of The Right Things - Conservative T-shirts & Gifts The Right Things. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.