Those Damn Eskimos: Let’s fight the real enemy
By: Daniel Clark
In Judgment at Nuremberg, Col. Tad Lawson, played by Richard Widmark, explained why the German people were not responsible for the Holocaust. “There are no Nazis in Germany,” he declared. “The Eskimos invaded Germany and took over. That’s how all those terrible things happened. It wasn’t the fault of the Germans. It was the fault of those damn Eskimos.”
It is often said that those who fail to learn from history are destined to repeat it. Perhaps if more people had listened to Col. Lawson back then, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now, fighting a misbegotten war against fictitious Islamofascist bogeymen. Fortunately, some of our leaders are beginning to see the light. New British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has forbidden his cabinet from using the words “Muslim” and “terrorism” in the same sentence. The European Union has likewise prohibited its spokespeople from using the terms “jihad” and “Islamic terrorism.”
Here in the states, Democrat presidential candidates John Edwards, Joseph Biden and Dennis Kucinich have all recognized that there is no such thing as a “global war on terror.” Edwards says that those words are only a “bumper sticker” used by President Bush to justify the invasion of Iraq. His Democrat colleagues in Congress have banned the phrase “global war on terror” from the language of appropriation bills.
Everybody has agreed all along to say that Islam has been “hijacked.” The question has been, by whom? The American and European Left have finally found the answer. There are no Islamic terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan. Muslims haven’t committed acts of terror in New York, London and Madrid. The Eskimos have hijacked their “religion of peace” and taken over. That’s how all these terrible things have happened. It’s not the fault of Islamofascists. It’s the fault of those damn Eskimos.
No wonder public opinion has turned against the American war effort. It wasn’t Saddam Hussein who established terrorist training camps in Iraq, tried to assassinate a former U.S. president, and repeatedly fired upon American and British aircraft. It wasn’t Saddam who harbored many of the world’s most infamous terrorists, sheltered and rewarded the man who mixed the chemicals used in the ’93 World Trade Center bombing, and bribed Palestinians to turn their children into suicide bombers. It was those damn Eskimos.
By now, practically everybody has concluded that Saddam Hussein had “no weapons of mass destruction,” and they’re right. Those weren’t Saddam’s hundreds of sarin and mustard gas bombs that were found throughout Iraq. That wasn’t his 500-ton supply of yellowcake, his secret stash of botulinum toxin, or his abundance of “pesticides” conveniently stored in ammunition dumps. No, that stuff all belonged to those damn Eskimos.
The so-called “global war on terror” is simply a diversion. The perceived threat of Islamic terrorism has been an elaborate hoax, designed to cloak the fact that our government has been secretly rubbing noses with the real enemy. In fact, the president and many of his most trusted advisors are known members of the most fiendish neo-Eskimo cabal in existence. Below are the names of just a few of the most powerful and treacherous of these neo-esks:
* George W. Bush — It’s no coincidence that he talks is if he’s got a mouthful of blubber.
* Dick Cheney — This is obviously a man who clubs and eats baby seals for breakfast.
* Condoleezza Rice — A Crimson Tide fan who ice skates? Who does she think she’s kidding?
* Tony Snow — Some of these code names are so obvious it’s pathetic.
* Karl Rove — You don’t get hair like that without wearing a parka.
Liberals who haven’t learned from history like to describe President Bush and his administration as a bunch of Nazis. By doing so, they fall for the same diversionary tactic that allowed the Eskimos to escape the Nuremberg trials without a single conviction. We can’t let that happen again. It’s time we started learning how to connect the dots: Eskimos â€¦ Alaska â€¦ Oil â€¦ Halliburton â€¦ Enron â€¦ Katrina. See, it all fits, once we put things into perspective.
As if we needed any more proof, Rosie O’Donnell taught us that the collapse of the Twin Towers was the first time in history that fire has ever melted steel. Based on that fact alone, there can be no doubt that the Eskimos were responsible. Who in the world knows more about melting buildings than the people who invented the igloo?
Daniel Clark is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance. The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets.
Daniel Clark is a writer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He is the author and editor of a web publication called The Shinbone: The Frontier of the Free Press, where he also publishes a seasonal sports digest as The College Football Czar.