Dear Usama (A Letter To Usama bin Laden)
By: J.J. Jackson
Hey dude, whatâ€™s up! I see you managed to give in to your vanity, finally pick up some of that â€œJust for Islamic Wackosâ€ and take care of that gray beard of yours. It really wasnâ€™t very distinguished anyway. Are they paying you well for your promotion of their product? I should warn you however that they do use pig fat in the manufacturing of the product.
But enough small talk. Iâ€™m glad to see that you decided to pop your little head out of your cave but I remind you it is still just a lowly cave. Remember that. Remember that it is you that is in that cave, cowering like a little schoolgirl and talking about how it is so great that other people are blowing themselves up in the name of Islam while you, Iâ€™ll remind you again, are hiding in a cave. Whatâ€™s the matter? Havenâ€™t you been able to find a bomb belt that matches your shoes yet?
Who was it that was just in Iraq? Oh, thatâ€™s right! It was President George Bush! Not the â€œmightyâ€ Usama!
Youâ€™d like people to believe that we are losing this war and that you and your gang of maniacs who believe women are second-class citizens and should be stoned if they are raped are winning. But how is it that if we are supposedly losing this war you decided to start that it is our leaders who are able to walk around on the battlefield like they own the place while you, I repeat, are hiding in a cave? This isnâ€™t golf Usama. You donâ€™t get scored based on a handicapping system!
But apparently you arenâ€™t so isolated that you havenâ€™t been able to receive your email and the latest MoveOn.org talking points, Democratic Party fund raising letters, your subscription to the New York Times and also receive CNN on your satellite dish. Maybe next time MoveOn.org decides to take out a full-page ad in the New York Times they should just put you up as their spokesman since the two of you seem to agree on so much. Your people should call their people assuming they havenâ€™t already.
Thank you for your concern over issues so pressing to your failing jihad such as our mortgage interest rates. Iâ€™m sure that there might be some here in the States that would give a hoot about your opinion on that, Nancy Pelosi, Cindy Sheehan and John Murtha come to mind, but most of us donâ€™t honestly give darn about your opinion on that topic.
Also, Iâ€™m glad to see that your collection of writings by Noam Chomsky remains intact and I am certain that you and he are on each otherâ€™s speed dial. It is truly illuminating when you chose to cite another American hating scumbag. It also shows your allegiance with the political ideology of our own political left who seek to enslave people to their will through any means by which they can convince them to cede their liberties.
I also like how you worked in the issue on every barking moonbatâ€™s mind these days; Global Warming. Nice touch. It really makes them look like even bigger loons when you, the King of Loons, support their ideas and start bringing their rantings and ravings into your speeches. The fact that you would choose to cite so many talking points and sound like a raving liberal should be noted by all who listen.
By the way, how much methane is in a camelâ€™s fart anyway? Doesnâ€™t that awful smell get on your nerves after a while? Why donâ€™t you go out and take a sample from your wife in the cave next door and have it tested for us. How many humps does she have? One or two? You havenâ€™t sent a picture yet of the wedding which I eagerly await.
Weâ€™d love to see how â€œgreenâ€ you are. Somehow I suspect about as â€œgreenâ€ as Al Gore after getting caught once again spewing CO2 into the atmosphere while telling the rest of us to cut back. But of course we know you are a hypocrite. Can I reiterate that we are still waiting for you to strap a bomb belt on yourself?
Iâ€™m sure that gas powered generator from about 1985 which powers your lone light bulb and allows you to see that ugly mug of yours in the mirror every afternoon after you finally stop cowering under your blankets because you thought you heard a jet in the background and your broken down old military transport from the 1960â€™s are really â€œgreenâ€!
But then again, you arenâ€™t exactly in a place right now where you can actually enjoy the creature comforts of civilized society. Even the average Iraqi is doing better than your pathetic rear-end. Which I am sure really gets your camel.
So since you donâ€™t have running water and reliable electricity, I suppose that is as good of a dead horse for you to beat as any right? Maybe we can get Harry Reid to slip an earmark or two in a bill for a couple million dollars to upgrade your lifestyle. But meanwhile you and Al Gore should get together and hold a summit. He can send his private jet over to pick you up. Hey, then you could actually use a real toilet, while on the plane at least, rather than squatting over a hole and wiping with your hand for a change!
Maybe, just maybe, if you were as concerned about how your hind end is getting kicked from one end of the globe to the other as you are over issues of pressing interest to liberals around the world you might actually stand a fraction of a chance of winning. But honestly, you sound like the schoolyard bully. You talk a good game, but when it comes time to fight you are nowhere to be found. Perhaps you should just put on your burka and have whatâ€™s left of your manhood snipped off and start going by the name Usamette.
And while I appreciate and understand that you keep â€œwarningâ€ us and giving us an opportunity to become as insane as you are because you believe that it will give you justification when you finally manage, through sheer luck, to hit us again I will emphatically decline once again.
And speaking of which, whatâ€™s up with you? I mean, six years? All weâ€™ve been hearing from you and your fellow maniacs since September 11th, 2001 was how all these grand attacks were going to happen on U.S. soil. But so far not a thing. Eventually you either have to crap or get off the pot Usama! And so far you are a dog without much bite. A dog in hiding I might remind you yet again.
Oh, sure weâ€™ve had the occasional Jihadist snipe at people at gas stations or run an SUV through a crowd, but nothing of any merit and worthy of the â€œmightyâ€ Usama â€œthe has beenâ€ Laden.
I mean, really Usama, throw us a freaking bone here! Or are you afraid that if you actually did do something that youâ€™d face the same kind of united front that there was on September 12th, 2001 to find you and skin you alive? If I were you I certainly would! Because I doubt this time around the wimps will start breaking ranks within a couple days and wringing their hands. Well, except for maybe Dennis Kucinich. You can probably count on him to praise you and condemn the United States but weâ€™ll deal with him later.
So, in closing, I would like to say that that if you have any of those pathetic followers of yours who are really itching to get their one way ticket to Hell and receive their seventy-two camel faced women that no man except for a pimple faced jihadi would touch with a ten foot pole, send them my way. Iâ€™ve got a lot of ammunition and will be happy to expedite their travel plans and punch their tickets.
So get back to me Usama. Until we talk again.
Mr. Jackson, American Infidel and Proud of it!
P.S. Your â€œAllahâ€ can kiss my hairy white butt!
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author from Pittsburgh, PA who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the Pittsburgh Conservative Examiner for Examiner.com. He is also the owner of The Right Things - Conservative T-shirts & Gifts The Right Things. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.