Eliot Spitzer’s Halloween Trick: Driver’s Licenses for Illegal Aliens
By: John Lillpop
In an extraordinary bit of political witchcraft most appropriate for Halloween, the federal government and Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York have reached a compromise that will allow New York to issue special driver’s licenses to illegal aliens.
Why any American politician of normal intelligence and even the slightest recollection of 9/11 would want to something so utterly stupid is inexplicable.
In any event, the Spitzer scheme will provide illegal aliens with a unique ID that will clearly distinguish them as illegal. And that is supposed to help the invading peasants?
Think about it, Pedro. When you go to get your driver’s license, you will have to be photographed with MEX stamped on your forehead. That MEX will tell everyone in the universe that Pedro is an invading scumbag who should be arrested and shipped back to Mexico immediately, but who is nonetheless licensed to drive in New York.
Still, it is your choice, Pedro.
Oh, and by the way, the following message will be encrypted on your tamper-safe license. In English.
“My name is Pedro Ignacio Garcia (PIG). My wife and I came to America by crossing the border in Arizona on January 2, 2002. We had to sneak across the border into America because the U.S. immigration system is broken, at least that is what our Mexican government told us.
“Mexican officials told us to have as many children as possible as soon as possible once we got settled in America. We have had six children since; all of whom are American citizens that we are counting on to keep the U.S. government from sending my wife and I back to Mexico. We had planned to come to America in 2003, but we found that my wife was pregnant so we came in 2002 so that the triplets would be born in America.
“We came to America because we heard your president George Bush and Democrats like Eliot Spitzer and Harry Reid say many nice things about Mexicans who come to America illegally. We have heard that we can get driver’s licenses and reduced tuition for our children in some of your states.
“One of the major attractions for us is your excellent system that provides free medical service, especially since I have no health insurance for myself or family. We are very concerned that some hospitals are closing because of the costs of serving poor people like us. We suggest that the health insurance premiums for Americans be increased to cover poor people from Mexico.
“I am proud of my Mexican heritage and love Spanish, the language of love. I believe that learning English is a waste of time so I do not bother. We have demanded that the public schools teach our children in Spanish. The Democrat party registered us in Spanish and the ballots we have voted with are all in Spanish. Who needs English? Even President Bush does not speak it very well, or so we have been told.
“We proudly fly the Mexican flag in remembrance of the fact that much of the land that is America was stolen from Mexico. Our children are being taught that retaking that land for Mexico is what God wants us to do.
“I am a potential carrier of deadly strains of tuberculosis and other diseases eradicated in the modern world 75 years ago, but which are still rampant in my beloved Mexico. That is why American citizens need to make sure me and my family receive the very best in medical care.
“I do not pay no stinkin’ income taxes to any local, state or federal government. How else could I afford to work for wages that allow me to steal jobs from American citizens?
“I am an alcoholic and need to drive in order to get to AA meetings every night. Sometimes my AA amigos fall off the wagon briefly and take me with them. Those are the only times when I drink and drive. Except on Cinco de Mayo and other Mexican holidays.
“Our family is on welfare and food stamps even though we are not eligible. We have fake IDs that say we are legal, and we have social security numbers to prove it.
“We are saving our pesos to buy a big, beautiful home. But we are worried about the loan credit crisis now threatening to make credit inaccessible to illegal aliens. As with health insurance, we believe the solution is simple: Increase the interest rates paid by American citizens to cover the risk associated with lending to illegal aliens from Mexico.
“We hear that white people want to secure the U.S. borders to keep terrorists out. Phooey! Why would we Mexicans do harm to the land of free tacos, education, health care, food, and housing?
“Our favorite American heroes are, in this order: George Lopez, Mel Martinez, Eliot Spitzer, George Bush, and Hillary Clinton.
“God bless Mexico and the crazy gringos who want to give America to illegal aliens!”
Happy Halloween, Pedro.