Now Presentingâ€¦Tarmac the Magnificent!
By: Thomas Lindaman
Political prognostications for 2008
By the time you read this column, we will be close to one year out from the 2008 Presidential elections. And that means two things. One, weâ€™ll be bombarded with political ads for the next year. And two, weâ€™ll have people trying to play Carnac the Magnificent and predicting who will win the nominations for the two major parties. Iâ€™ve always found these exercises in speculation to either be an exercise in wishful thinking or a rehashing of the screamingly obvious so that the person doing the
predicting looks like he/she has a clue. Itâ€™s pointless, ridiculous, and nothing more than an ego stroke.
Which is precisely why Iâ€™m doing it.
So, allow me to throw my rhinestone-studded turban into the ring and give you Tarmac the Magnificentâ€™s Utterly Awesome and Quite Possibly Utterly Inaccurate Political Predictions for 2008!
Democrat Candidate for President: Hillary Clinton. Itâ€™s Hillaryâ€™s race to lose. Her opposition ranges from the absurd (Joe Biden) to the out there (Dennis Kucinich) to the inexperienced (Barack Obama) to the uninspiring (Bill Richardson) to the unknown (Mike Gravel). Unless Hillary really messes up at the Iowa Caucuses and the New Hampshire Primary, sheâ€™s the candidate to beat. And even if she does pull a Howard Dean, she might still have enough pull within the Democratic National Committee
that she could get the nomination anyway. But sheâ€™s doing itâ€¦for the children!
Democrat Candidate for Vice-President: John Edwards. A lot of people are saying Obamaâ€™s the one vying to be Hillaryâ€™s Robin to her Batman, but I donâ€™t think the two of them can co-exist on the campaign trail together. Instead, Hillary will be going for someone with the qualifications sheâ€™s looking for in a VP: dishonest, unscrupulous, legally slippery, greedy, and easily cowed by a woman. Hel-LOOOOOOOOOO! If thatâ€™s not John Edwards, I donâ€™t know what is!
Wild Card: Al Gore. With a Best Documentary Oscar in one hand, a Nobel Prize around his neck, and a free hand to take big donations from Buddhist monks who have sworn an oath of poverty, Gore has the ability and the groundswell of support to make a run at Hillary for the Democrat nomination if he so chooses. With his global warming movie getting him at least some level of personal validation, he may be ready to run again in spite of his protests to the contrary. After all, if Gore can take
credit for the taking the initiative in the creation of something that was already in existence before he was elected to the House of Representatives, he might be playing fast and loose with his plans to run.
Republican Candidate for President: Rudy Giuliani. Yeah, yeah, Rudyâ€™s as much like Ronald Reagan as Jimmy Carter was, but he has more of an upside than strategists think. Sure, he has multiple marriages and that whole odd habit of crossdressing for â€œthe religious rightâ€ to blast him over, but what he loses from the fringe on the right he more than picks up from the moderate and liberal Republicans, as well as perhaps Independents (like your humble columnist) and even conservative Democrats who
donâ€™t want to pull the lever for Hillary. Plus, he puts a lot of states in play that wouldnâ€™t be. Besides, do you seriously think the majority of Republicans are going to sit and pout if Rudyâ€™s running against Hillary? If so, I have some swamp land in the Sahara Iâ€™d love to sell you.
Republican Candidate for Vice President: Fred Thompson. For all the hype surrounding Fredâ€™s entry into the 2008 race, his performance so far has been less exciting than Joe Lieberman curling with Ben Stein. But he would bring to the ticket a more conservative bent, which should appease enough of the â€œreligious rightâ€ to quell questions about Rudy. Plus, heâ€™d be a shoe-in to win the Vice Presidential debate with Edwards. All heâ€™d have to do is just glare at Edwards and heâ€™d be bawling for his
mommy before he got through his opening comments.
Wild Card: Mike Huckabee. Ignore the fact that his last name sounds like a national restaurant chain where youâ€™d find junk on the walls. Mike Huckabee brings some impressive conservative credentials to the table. A good performance in the Iowa Caucuses and/or the New Hampshire Primary and there might be another winner from Arkansas, and this one might actually be faithful to his wife!
Independent Candidate for President: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Now that weâ€™ve gotten that out of the wayâ€¦
Winners of the 2008 Election: Giuliani/Thompson. Wishful thinking? Not so much. Clinton/Edwards will have to appease the freak left, the faux left, and the moderate left on almost a daily basis. Edwards may be a slick talker (anybody who claims to channel dead children has to be), but Hillaryâ€™s vote on the war and inability to come up with a legitimate lieâ€¦I mean explanation wonâ€™t do much to appease the Code Pinkos, the Daily Kos-monauts, and the MoveOutOfOurParentsBasement crowds.
On the other side, Giuliani/Thompson would have some trouble with some elements of the Republican Party, but not to the extent of Clinton/Edwards with the Democrats. Not to mention, Rudy and Fred both know how to handle the media. With a media hostile to them and being so far up Hillaryâ€™s butt they can search for polyps, this will be key. But the thing that puts them over the top is the fact you donâ€™t have to dig past layer after layer of spin, lies, and half-truths to get to who they are. Rudy
and Fred are genuine for the most part (or if not, they fake it really well). Clinton and Edwards? They ooze dishonesty, which will turn off voters and give Giuliani/Thompson the victory.
And on that note, I think Iâ€™ll put the turban away and put this piece in a sealed mason jar on Funk and Wagnallâ€™s back porch.
Thomas Lindaman is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance, Inc. and NewsBull.com. The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets. He is also Publisher of CommonConservative.com.
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