Farmers and their free money addiction

By: Guest Authors

By: Mac McMann

Farmers must not own mirrors. If they do, how could they possibly stand to look at themselves in one? These are the fattest cats ever to be on a steady feed of government dole, taking shamelessness to a new low.

Even your most inner city denizen must know by now these are heady times to own a farm. Even the slowest talking, slowest thinking, heaviest drinking farmer who does it just like his grand pappy did, can make a healthy profit these days, by just dumping some seed off the back of their Ford F-350. Or they could buy a few animals at the local auction, and watch their profits jump faster than owning a stock in the nineties.

With the ethanol boom, and the world’s poorest citizens finally being able to afford a Big Mac once a month or so, there are enough food buyers with cash, even to please the most skeptical, dour, down on your luck farmer plying his trade in the most drought stricken, wind blown, soil poor land he could find. You would think that just once these bastards could get off the fat American taxpayer supported assistance. You would think they could be honorable enough, hell they go to church and the Elks, to say you know what average taxpayer of America, I appreciate you have supported my stupid lazy ass since the Great Depression, you have supported my drinking habit, my fat wife, my six stupid children, and my six thousand acres of land for three generations now. But you know what? I can take care of myself now. At least this one year out of the last seventy five, I got it covered.

But they won’t. Like an ex-wife, or a welfare mother, they got the taste of free money; you can’t wash it out of your mouth, no matter how gold lined easy street is you want that free money. And let’s just face it we all like free money, watch those ladies bounce on The Price is Right, watch the millionaire win a hand of poker, there is just nothing that feels quite as good. Hell, I hide a buck in a pair of jeans when I put them away in the spring, only to feel like I hit the jackpot when I put them on next fall. But those things cost the taxpayers what? A big fat zero.

The problem with the current farm bill is it is unnecessary. It is trading money for votes, old fashioned boondoggle style, it is repulsive, and it is legal theft. Unlike no other business in the country, farmers are at it risk free. Sure Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp had to throw a few concerts in the Eighties because neighbor Joe lost the family farm. Well neighbor Joe shouldn’t have taken out a two hundred thousand dollar loan for an air conditioned tractor, when the food prices were down. And that is the rub, farmers claim they are ignorant about business, they just know how to farm. Yet what is farming, hello? It is a business, if you just want to grow some plants, buy a philodendron.

The American government subsidizes these jokers and the whole food industry to make processed food cheaper, the citizens fatter, the diabetes rampant. Farmers say they love the land, yet farmers are destroying the environment with chemical run off, water waste, and habitat destruction. They grow one thing for miles, and then dump chemical versions of everything that crop leeched from the land. They do this over and over and over again, why? Because it is easy, and they are lazy, and when it stops working they get paid for not planting a year or two, to allow the ground to recover from their abuse. Soil treated with care doesn’t need to be left alone. Soil handled by anyone else but your American farmer does not need to be left alone. Do you only plant a garden every other year? Hell no. When was the last time you saw a forest with two hundred acres of barren land? You don’t because soil does one thing, support plant life. But the farmers who do one thing grow plants, can’t seem to figure out how to work in harmony with the very medium they rely on.

But the real kicker here is they just don’t need aid. They are addicted, addicted to free money, addicted to uncreative thinking, and addicted to trying to obtain everyone’s pity. A farmer would sooner share his wife or daughter than the balance of his checking account. They purposely do not buy things that might make them look successful, they don’t travel, they might own a Caddy only to tell you how hard they work, and how much they really couldn’t afford it, but Martha’s hip bothers her when she drives to town, so she needed it. They are squirrels with enough nuts to last ten squirrel lifetimes, yet they beg in the park everyday for morsels.

Name one other business that has assurance from the US Government that if they have a bad year, they will be paid for it. If they make bad decisions they will be reimbursed. If they do absolutely nothing they will be paid. There is CRP land payment for not planting. They receive checks if they don’t suck every ounce of water out of the neighboring creek, but they are allowed to if necessary, they get free water, tax free fuel, deferment on any type of loan they can ever dream of. Dirt cheap insurance, crop protection, free advice, the list goes on and on. It is the world’s only fool proof business, and they get to destroy the planet in the process.

Compare all that with your gig. On second thought maybe farmers aren’t so dumb after all.

About the author:
Mac McMann writes from the male point of view at He can be reached at

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