Dubya Enforces Rule of Law with Executive Order Uno Pardonade


By: John Lillpop

With the illegal immigration debate heating up once again, I expect President Bush to jump into the fray by taking more of a leadership role.

In fact, I fully expect that Bush will deliver a nationwide television address on the subject. That address will probably go something like this:

My Fellow Amerimexans:

Americans have always been known as a compassionate, caring people. Newcomers appreciate our hospitable and warm ways, especially when we welcome them with open arms, open hearts, and free health care, education, and food stamps.

At the same time, we are a nation dedicated to the rule of law. Without law and order, no civilized society can hope to survive.

It is America’s unwavering commitment to law and order that brings me before you tonight.

As most of you know, there are approximately 38 million aliens in our midst who have who crossed the Mexican border without some of the paperwork that bureaucrats are so fond of.

With very few exceptions, these undocumented people are good hearted, hard working folks who came to America only to pursue the most prized possession on earth: A stake in the American Dream.

Unfortunately, because of rampant vigilantism in people calling themselves Minutemen and others calling themselves conservative Republicans, millions of innocent, undocumented folks have been forced to live in the shadows, afraid to partake fully of all we have to offer.

This tragic injustice must not be allowed to continue.

Accordingly, I have decided to restore law and order to America by pardoning all those here illegally.

Just moments ago, I signed Executive Order “Uno Pardonade,” which confers full citizenship on anyone who can prove his or her illegal status and who can also speak Mexican.

With just my signature, this most divisive, gut-wrenching issue has been resolved. Peacefully.

The rule of law is once again an honored tenet of American governance.

By the way, this is NOT amnesty. Please remember that America is a nation that operates under the rule of law. Amnesty has no place in our great nation.

I am fully aware that some of my fellow Americans will be unhappy with my decision, and some will even resist the changes I have outlined.

To those vigilante-like dissidents, I say: Your views do not count. All that matters is what the president wants—-and that just happens to be me. So there!

In anticipation of irresponsible behavior by some in response to my act of
compassionate conservatism, I have ordered the Pentagon to begin immediate redeployment of 50,000 brave American men and women from Iraq.

These American heroes will be assigned to the Mexican border, charged with the responsibility to escort and assure safe passage for illegal aliens coming to join us.

This will be called “Operation Help Felipe.” Although it is a military operation, I expect these 50,000 American patriots to show professional restraint at all times.

Thus, the use of force is expressly forbidden, except as needed to quash out-of-control Minutemen or, even more dangerous, wild characters like Tom Tancredo or Duncan Hunter.

Finally, as your president, I want to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you in that 23 percent of Americans whom still trust me. I assume that my actions tonight will help restore some stability to my approval ratings.

I am also betting that 38 million emancipated Mexicans will cause a nice “bump” in those polls.

Thank you for listening.

Good evening, and God Bless Mexico—err, make that God Bless America!

President George W. Bush

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