What If the ACLU Had Existed Christmas Eve, 0000?


By: John Lillpop

As we Americans struggle to preserve our rich cultural traditions surrounding Christmas, there are times when the struggle seems too hard, the load too heavy.

For example, one wonders if it is worth it upon hearing that another whacked-out liberal judge has determined that the nativity scene is unconstitutional.

Not just insensitive to non-Christians, mind you, but unconstitutional for heaven’s sake!

Not so many years ago, the word unconstitutional was reserved for major injustices that really harmed people. Heinous acts like slavery or racial discrimination for example.

But times have changed.

Last year, we heard of a rabbi in Washington state who threatened to sue because of fifteen Christmas trees enjoyed by the overwhelming majority of the public at the Seattle airport. “Treeless in Seattle,” was apparently this rabbi’s passion.

But why would an alleged “man of faith” act to deny so many people the pleasure of seeing a simple, unobtrusive symbol just because the symbol did not immediately conjure up images of his particular faith?

How does one confront such narrow-minded, selfish, mean spirited thinking without going barking mad?

One way is to fantasize what the first Christmas might have been like if liberals and the ACLU had been in charge the night Jesus was born.

The Christmas story might have included nuttiness such as this:

Upon entering Bethlehem, Mary and Joseph would have been stopped by activists from Planned Parenthood. The unmarried couple would have been reminded of the growing problem with overpopulation, including demands on finite resources and added pollution.

Mary would have been encouraged to abort the unborn fetus, and Planned Parenthood would have offered to pay for the procedure with tax money stolen from the Romans.

Meanwhile, a corrupt liberal judge in Nazareth would have issued a restraining order to prevent the three wise men from entering the city where the Savior was born.

Citing the lack of any women, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, gays, transsexuals, Jihadists, or blind and handicapped Buddhists among the three wise acres, the judge would have given the trio twelve hours to submit an acceptable affirmative action plan, or be forced to leave the Holy land.

All mirth, gold and other gifts brought by the trio would have been impounded and stored in a local “Babies R Us” retail outlet, pending final disposition by the court.

That same judge would have also ordered Mary to submit to a full gynecological examination by a licensed physician to determine the veracity of her claim to be a virgin.

The judge would have ruled that this was essential to maintain the probative integrity of Nazareth’s birth and death records, and to establish a basis for royalty payments owed Nazareth when the Jesus story was added to the Holy Bible.

ACLU Lawyers in Bethlehem would have sued the innkeeper who turned Mary and Joseph away. The suit would allege that there was, in fact, plenty of room at the inn, but that Mary was discriminated against solely because she was an unmarried, pregnant, middle-eastern woman of color who spoke perfect Yiddish, but not a word of Italian or French.

Even back then, being bilingual was seen as a mark of sophistication and economic stability by liberal nut cases.

Joseph would have been required to pay a special “Ass Transit Fee”—not a tax, mind you—owing to the fact that the donkey carrying the blessed Mary was not properly licensed in Bethlehem. The local tax collector was known in the underground as the “Ass Taxer,” a term that still applies to most American Democrats.

Joseph and Mary would have been forced to leave Bethlehem earlier than originally planned, because a local bureaucrat named Goreish had determined that their donkey was releasing unhealthy levels of toxic gases, indelicately called “farts” in our enlightened times.

Such emissions were thought to be a major factor in clinical depressions, and were also implicated in a phenomenon called “Global Cooling,” which Goreish insisted would destroy the planet by the year 0010 unless immediate action were taken.

Goreish was so convinced of his science that he mass produced a scroll manuscript modestly titled, “Ten Inconvenient Truths about Global Cooling,” which were sold on street corners for thirty pieces of silver, with tips gladly accepted.

Sadly, Goreish died penniless and humiliated in 0100 while trying to promote yet another doomsday rip off called “Global Warming.” The animal rights activist presiding over the funeral for Goreish called him a huge and noble force for peace.

Because of scribing and typographical errors repeated over the course of 2,000 years, “noble force for peace” has become “Nobel Peace,” an award recently accepted by the latest rip-off artist in the Goreish family tree.

Finally, a band of homeless Islamofascist gypsies would have been arrested for conspiring to destroy the Baby Jesus by placing a Muslim baby with a treatable, but contagious, disease into the manger immediately next to that of Jesus. This was the first recorded instance of Muslims using children on suicide missions to kill innocent Jews.

Of course, the arrested Islamofascists eventually sued for discrimination based on religious intolerance. And won!

Praise be to God that liberalism and the ACLU did not exist in their present form on Christmas Eve, 0000!

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