Hillary for President Autopsy Shocker!
By: John Lillpop
Hillary Rodham Clinton was supposed to be dead this morning, figuratively speaking that is. According to nearly all political wizards, Hillary was destined to be stabbed in the heart by a clean and articulate black man in the hinterlands of New Hampshire.
Her premature demise was supposed to take place on Tuesday, starting at 12:01 AM EST and continuing until the very last breathe was driven from her soulless campaign when the polls closed in the evening.
Barack Obama was the presumed assailant, sans the dagger. He was to be the heir apparent to the “Throne of Inevitability,” after Hillary’s remains had been whisked away from the national spotlight, and sent to wherever it is that political witches are interred.
There were to be no eulogies or expressions of sadness at the passing of the Hillary for President campaign. Rather, this was to be an occasion for raucous celebration and joy throughout the 50 states, and in most foreign world capitols, saving only the most communist of the lot.
After all, the American people had strayed perilously close to progressive fascism during an ill advised dalliance with Hillary; her demise was a welcome return to the principles that America was founded upon and which made this the greatest nation in human history.
But then a funny thing happened: On the way to the final resting place for the over-60 Hillary and her merry band of Clintonistas, divine intervention intervened and smite the young black man.
Even his omnipresent cleanliness and articulation skills were not enough to save Barack Obama on this balmy election day in the Granite State.
Hillary Rodham Clinton pulled out a comeback win reminiscent of the miracles turned by Slick Willie in 1992.
Down by double digits in polls just a day earlier, Hillary was able to parlay a flood of tears and sobs into a stunning upset victory over the inexperienced, but clean and articulate, senator from Illinois.
Pundits were thus sent scrambling for answers to this post-Christmas miracle. Was this perhaps a war between the Christian deity and Allah, with Allah coming up short in his advocacy for the brother Muslim, named Obama?
As it turns out, the answer was much simpler and mundane: An autopsy of the Hillary for President campaign reveals that there was no heart there!
Thus there was no way that Hillary could have been stabbed to death by a young and inexperienced black man, regardless of how clean and articulate.
Regrettably, Hillary remains a formidable threat to the freedoms and liberties cherished by most Americans.