Is Brattleboro, Vermont, America’s Last Best Hope?
By: John Lillpop
Quick! Name the greatest contribution made by the great state of Vermont to the overall interests of America and its people?
Answer: Other than maple syrup and a sappy chairman of the DNC (Howard Dean), there is an embarrassing paucity of greatness originating in Vermont.
Until now, that is.
But should the good folks in Brattleboro have their way, the very future of human civilization may be altered forever.
Brattleboro, you see, is debating a petition that would subject President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney to arrest for crimes against the U.S. Constitution.
This crucial town-wide ballot, which will be decided on March 4, reads as follows:
“Shall the Selectboard instruct the Town Attorney to draft indictments against President Bush and Vice President Cheney for crimes against our Constitution, and publish said indictments for consideration by other authorities and shall it be the law of the Town of Brattleboro that the Brattleboro Police, pursuant to the above-mentioned indictments, arrest and detain George Bush and Richard Cheney in Brattleboro if they are not duly impeached, and prosecute or extradite them to other authorities that may reasonably contend to prosecute them?”
Reactions to the petition are predictably mixed. Cynics on the right are denigrating Brattleboro by calling the locals crazy and ignorant. One particuarly salty prognosticator (moi!) even called this sleepy town “San Francisco light!”
Left-leaning pundits, on the other hand, are praising the action, while pointing out that the Bush-Cheney arrests are at least six years past due.
So how in the world can a sleepy little town of 30,000 truth-starved leftists in an isolated burg in Vermont make a tinkers dam bit of difference in the overall big picture?
Picture this scene: A contingent of Brattleboro’s bravest and brightest police, numbering two, arrives at the White House bearing a properly executed indictment and arrest warrants for Messrs. Bush and Cheney.
Keep in mind that these two are no slouches, the Brattleboro police. Both are perfectly aware of the odds against being able to barge into the Oval Office just to arrest the President and Vice President of the United States, in broad daylight, and in front of the national media.
Which is why the Brattleboro police are disguised as illegal aliens from Mexico.
With their wide sombreros, stolen social security cards, and third grade Spanish, the police approach the Secret Service police and declare themselves to be “good-hearted, hard-working” illegal aliens who need to see Bush and Cheney.
And pronto, hombre.
Naturally, once they are identified as Mexican invaders, the Brattleboro police, AKA Mexican illegals, are immediately whisked into the Oval Office where Dubya and Darth Vader are plotting a shock and awe nuclear campaign against the Sun in order to combat global warming.
This solar attack campaign is vitally important to Darth Vader and Halliburton, given the looming recession and dwindling post-destruction opportunities in Iraq.
Which is why the VP is pressing hard for a $150 billion earmark identified as “Baghdad Environmental Enhancement” in the defense budget.
But back to the Brattleboro police.
Once the impostors are actually in the Oval Office, it is a simple matter of applying handcuffs to Dubya and Darth Vader. The duo are then marched in the “mother of all perk walks,” through the Rose Garden, and into a 1992, four-cylinder, brown station wagon rented specifically for the high-profile arrest.
Fifteen hours later, from the steps of the courthouse in downtown Brattleboro, the two police officers–sans the sombreros, stolen social security cards, and Spanish accents–announce the arrest and incarceration of President Bush and Vice President Cheney.
The people of Brattleboro, and all of America, have been served by the brave and courageous police, who have proven again that no person is above the law in these United States.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, D.C., a full-blown constitutional and spiritual crisis has gripped the government and nation.
Because Dubya and Darth Vader are cooling their heels in the downtown Brattleboro jail, Speaker Nancy Pelosi is now president of the United States!
Nancy Pelosi, freaking president!
Being the good liberal that she is, President Pelosi immediately accepts the mantel of responsibility and issues an “Omnibus Executive Order to Restore Equality and Fairness to America,” a dilly which provides for the following:
( ) A formal apology from America to all Muslim leaders, including Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for America’s evil pursuit of oil in the middle east under Bush.
( ) An invitation for Osama bin Laden to address a Joint Session of Congress to give the terrorist side of 9/11, and to explain how America’s ruthless overreaction harmed tens of millions of innocent Islamofascists.
( ) Imposition of a new tax that will close the “wealth gap” between successful (greedy) American entrepreneurs and ordinary homeless people, left out in the cold by Bush-Cheney.
() Transfer of $300 billion from the Iraq war budget to a special fund to provide heath care, college education, and spicy burritos to illegal aliens.
() Demolition of that portion of the Fence which has actually been built at the U.S.-Mexico border.
( ) Immediate pardons, and citizenship for every one of the 38 million illegal aliens in America who can prove that they are here illegally, who speak only Spanish, and who agree to vote Democrat for the remainder of their lives.
Of course, Speaker Pelosi’s liberal agenda will all but ruin America in the space of about 10 months. Which means that right before the November elections, the overwhelming majority of American voters will see the potential disaster in electing a liberal administration run by either Hillary Clinton or John McCain.
Thus, in an unprecedented demonstration of unity among the American electorate, about 85 million patriotic Americans will write-in the name of Tom Tancredo for president and Duncan Hunter for vice president, thereby saving America, the world, and humankind.
Thank you, Brattleboro, Vermont!