Lawyers


By: John Lillpop

It is often alleged that prostitution is the oldest profession known to mankind. This, as it turns out, is not true.

If the annals of history had been compiled by ethical and honest folk instead of pointy headed liberals and so-called scholars, the world would recognize that lawyers were, in fact, here before Ladies of the Night.

Here’s how it came to pass.

Many eons ago, a young, married cave man named Ezekiel worked as a lawyer during the day and repaired leaky cave roofs at night. The young man grew disenchanted with the affections of his betrothed, especially upon learning that she was with child. Large with child, she was.

Indeed, his once beloved was no longer the svelte sex pot he dragged into his cave by the nap of the neck just six months prior. But what to do, pondered he?

Ezekiel did what any unethical lawyer would do. While tending to the roof of a beautiful, non-pregnant damsel in the next county, Ezekiel decided to employ win-win negotiation tactics with the sweet young thang.

For your favors, madam, he offered, I will compensate you $.50 for pleasures received. And so it was that the couple was joined under a leaky roof somewhere in the middle east, long, long ago.

When the dirty details of Ezekiel’s sordid affair became known to his spouse, he accused the fair maiden of seducing him for cash, wrote the first anti-prostitution law on the planet, and proceeded to act as the befuddled maiden’s defense attorney for $500 an hour!

Ezekiel’s usury pricing and corrupt practices have served as an unalterable template for all lawyers who have followed in his footsteps.

Just how corrupt are modern day lawyers? Do the names Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Sandy Berger sound an alarm?

The most intriguing fact about lawyers is their obsession with convoluted, incomprehensible language.

For instance, when my ex and I decided that our robust flame of romance had turned into something akin to the 2008 Olympic Torch, we sat down calmly and drafted the terms of our disengagement. In simple, plain English, it was.

She got the dog, I got the bird. She kept the house, I kept the mortgage payment book.

And so it was that we agreed on the division of our community property, without the assistance of some out-of-touch lawyer in a $3,000 dress suit paid for with frivolous lawsuits.

Instead, we went to a mediator, that being an attorney who was supposed to be neutral and an advocate for neither side. When we sat down with this so-called vital cog in the wheel of justice, we were at peace with each other and with our dissolution agreement.

Of course, the mediator immediately scoffed at our plain English separation agreement. For the tidy sum of $2,000, this legal whiz converted our document into 12 pages of double spaced mumbo jumbo comprehensible only to another lawyer working on a $500 per hour clock!

When we last met with this pathetic thief, Mrs. Lillpop and I were at each other’s throats and ready to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each to pummel the other into a lifetime of abject poverty and humiliation.

Cooler heads prevailed, however, and it is only I who have been pummeled into poverty and humiliation.

Becoming a lawyer requires a considerable amount of intelligence and hard work. Take the case of Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa for instance.

Mayor Villaraigosa desperately wanted to become a lawyer, but was denied because he could not pass the bar. Instead, Villaraigosa decided that he could make more money by creating a sanctuary city for illegal aliens.

Today, Antonio Villaraigosa, sans that coveted law degree, is a wealthy and prosperous businessman who specializes in importing “illiterate peasants” to Los Angeles.

Best of all, Antonio has been spared the shame and disgrace that accrues when one is associated with the most ignoble and corrupt community in the nation: The American Bar Association!

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