I Am Voting Democrat
By: John Lillpop
[Warning! WARNING! SATIRE of Democratic Talking Points!]
After two years of listening to and watching hundreds of debates and town hall meetings, I have finally reached a conclusion.
I am voting Democrat because:
Soaring prices at the gas pump will ultimately squash demand, thereby reducing global warming;
Drilling for oil in Alaska is an immoral, preventable form of animal abuse;
Paying $10 or more a gallon for gasoline is the morally correct thing to do if it will save the life of even one endangered fruit fly;
U.S. troops in Iraq must be brought home immediately and made available for deployment to Haiti, the Dominican Republic, or other obscure nation in which the United States has absolutely no vital interest;
Thanks to Roe V. Wade, America has been spared the burden of approximately 50 million unneeded people at a time when natural resources like petroleum and water are in short supply;
Universal health care will bring American medicine down to the standards of Britain and Canada, thereby reducing the influx of Brits and Canadians who flock here in pursuit of high quality, timely treatment;
Shaira law is superior to the U.S. Constitution and the laws of the several states;
School prayer is evil because it programs children to rely on religious faith and superstition rather than government;
America needs Supreme Court justices who will rule on behalf of terrorists, against lawless renegades in the U.S. military;
Gay marriage is better for the environment because it does not contribute to overpopulation;
America must grant amnesty to ~38 million illegal aliens in order to prove our commitment to diversity and the eradication of racism;
Drugs with the potential to save the lives of poor people of color must be made available, free of cost, regardless of impact on the development of new medicines at pharmaceutical companies.
Appeasement is the only way to deal with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
and other Islamofacists intent on destroying America, Israel, and all western democracies.
Gays need Constitutional protection from religious and medical bigots who would unjustly shield 98 percent of the population from victims afflicted with AIDS or HIV.
No person is “illegal,” except for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney;
Meeting America’s energy and economic needs must never take precedent over the welfare of Sumatran rhinos, pygmy hogs, polar bears, and other endangered species.
Windfall taxes must be imposed on huge oil corporations and on CEOs who are guilty of indecent profits. Orphan Winfrey, George Soros, black athletes, liberal Hollywood stars, and Bill and Hillary Clinton are exempt;
Gun control laws and the death penalty would be unnecessary if human fetuses with criminal profiles were aborted before birth;
Treating illegal aliens under a universal health care scheme would be far less costly, thus saving illegals hundreds of billions of dollars that they can use for other expenses, or send home to Mexico;
Every American child has a right to a college degree: Discriminatory practices such as final exams and grading on a bell curve can do irreparable damage to a lesser child’s self esteem, and must be outlawed;
No child should have to share a classroom or teacher with another child or children, except as needed to enforce integration and or diversity quotas;
Higher taxes are needed to offset greed, abuse, and slothfulness among the rich;
The United Nations and most other nations in the world are morally and spiritually superior to the United States, and
Karl Mark was smarter than George W. Bush.
See you on November 4th!