Global Warming: Fact Or Fact?

By: Guest Authors

By: Daniel Gottlieb

Everyday we are criticized for how we live, for participating in what biologists call the carbon cycle. We take in and emit carbon like every other living creature on this planet, sometimes in extremely disgusting ways. All this contributes to apocalyptic global warming. The stochastic claims tossed out by has-been politicians, Hollywood elite, and other paragons of truth confirm this. They might not technically be scientists, but Al Gore was once “the next President of the United States” (or so he tells himself as he falls asleep crying), and Leo DiCaprio looks good, so he must be right.

Believe it or not, there exist those heathen disbelievers who question the global warming religion, pointing out that much of the supporting evidence is anecdotal and inconclusive, that claims are exaggerated and alarmist, and that the issue has been politicized to the point of no return. Damn you Glenn Beck! Unlike that Nazi, we all know that the time for debate is over, we have a “scientific consensus” on our hands, a “scientific consensus” I tell you! (If I say that enough it becomes true right?)

Baby-eaters like Bill O’Reilly are too biased to see the truth. You see, Hurricane Katrina was caused by global warming (and George Bush’s hatred of black people). Global warming is also responsible for any hot day in summer (gasp, summer is hot!), any natural disaster, or when you try to get to first base and get turned down. Oh my god, global warming has become the new Jew!

Prominent environmentalist Bjorn Lomborg recently argued in his book “The Skeptical Environmentalist” that our money is better spent on AIDS, starving children, and related problems. And I mean on solving them, not causing them you masochists! Even if nebbish politicians do decide to commit billions of dollars, where would that money go? I don’t think Gaia is susceptible to bribery. Where did all that money (I use the term ‘all that money’ loosely) from the “Live Aid” concerts go anyway?

Regardless of whether Al Gore has developed a serious Christ-complex (he has) or how much gallivanting Hollywoodians do every year, the science needs to be looked at seriously and de-politicized. This is no joke. We need to stop listening to non-scientists and those who seek to silence the skeptics and offer a panacea to a problem we don’t even know for a fact exists. In the 1970s, many claimed that the earth was undergoing global cooling. And this wasn’t published in some nutty paper, but in publications such as “Time” and “Newsweek.”

All throughout history, groups have constructed chimeras to haunt and sustain themselves at our detriment, preying on our ignorance and we blindly followed, when in reality we didn’t know enough to know who was right or wrong. Columbus was mocked when he said that the Earth was round, and the Catholic Church persecuted scientists who contested religious hegemony over truth. Al Gore and his sycophants can nag us all they want, but chances are that any climate change is indelible, so either way we’re screwed. Besides, I’d rather fill the stomachs of little Africans than line the pockets of Al Gore. But that’s just my opinion.

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