America Is Almost Ready, Mr. Bin-Laden
By: Eddie Clements
Osama Bin-Laden, Sheik
Headquarters Cave, New Caliphate
Dear Mr. Bin-Laden:
Thank you for your interest in our country. We are almost ready for you to visit here.
How are you today? Since you are living in a cave in the mountains of somewhere-stan, you may not have heard we U.S. Americans have a new president. His name is Barack Obama, and he is a messiah, which sounds kind of like being a sheik. His middle name is Hussein, like Saddamâ€™s last name. Do you think they are related? By the way, Iâ€™m sorry about your friend Saddam.
We are busy in America stamping out freedom everywhere in preparation for your visit. Citizens in three states passed votes saying marriage can only be between a man and a woman. Does Islam have laws like that? The President Ahmadinajad said there are no homosexuals in Iran, which is kind of hard to believe because almost everybody is supposed to be homosexual here but is oppressed or suppressed, I canâ€™t remember which. The homosexuals here refuse to accept the vote against them marrying other homosexuals and are threatening to kill every Christian who voted for it, so you should like that because you said a good Christian is a dead Christian. The homosexuals call themselves â€œgayâ€ but they donâ€™t seem very happy, so this is kind of confusing.
A brave gay person wearing a brown hat, brown pants, and a brown shirt knocked a sign from a protesters hand, I saw it on TV. The man with the sign was protesting the gays protesting and he was religious. Then the same brownshirt knocked a big cross from the hand of a very old woman who was kind of with the first guy with the sign because he didnâ€™t like her to free speech against gay people. Some of the gays were dressed like nuns. I think it would be easier to tell who the gay protestors were if all of them just wore brown shirts.
Gays are part of a political philosophy here called â€œliberalsâ€, but they call themselves â€œprogressivesâ€, which is also kind of confusing because they call everybody who disagrees with them names, which doesnâ€™t sound very progressive. I am a moderate because I try not to take sides. Liberals love you. They think you gave us what we deserved and are doing everything they can to help you win, because they say you are a freedom fighter not a terrorist. They are going to help by sending some of those people in Cuba back to you so they can kill us some more.
When they get back they can also sue the U.S. for unlawful detainment, since they now have full legal rights of citizens here. You should call a lawyer in North Carolina named John Edwards to help you with this. I heard he will take any case for money. He says there are two Americaâ€™s. Maybe you were supposed to bomb the other one, because it doesnâ€™t have any towers just poor people.
Paranoia is supposed to be rising in the U.S, meaning people think someone is out to get them. Are you out to get us, Mr. Bin-Laden? Because Bill Clinton says we are just paranoid, and that terrorism doesnâ€™t really exist, but he was convicted of lying. I was thinking of this because you said Jews were out to get all the Muslims. Do you live in a cave because you are paranoid?
Obama said he would come after you in Pakistan, but you donâ€™t have to be paranoid because you are really somewhere else! But I think he is just joking because his church pastor said it was OK for you to bomb us and he wants to make friends everywhere and make peace all over the world.
Our new president wants to make the coal power places bankrupt and stop operating so we will have less electricity. Then our houses will be cold and dark like your cave so when you come here you will feel at home. Also, then we will know what itâ€™s like to be oppressed like poor Muslims so we wonâ€™t oppress you anymore. Do you have environmental regulations in your country? Ours cost too much, but no one will do anything about it. Do you have unions? They make a lot of money and have really good benefits like health care. Soon everybody will be a union member and have health care or wonâ€™t be allowed to work, so the U.S. will be a better place.
We probably wonâ€™t make any more big cars, either. Congress is going to make our cars now, and they will be small and slow and run on wind power or electricity instead of gasoline. I wonder where they will put the sails. If there is lots of wind in your country maybe you will like these cars. Then you and your friends in Iran can keep that expensive oil underground where it doesnâ€™t pollute the world. Wait, I just thought â€“ why do liberals blame everybody here for making oil when itâ€™s all made over there? Thatâ€™s confusing too. And if there is less electricity, where will we plug the cars in? Do you have any extra electricity we can buy?
Liberals confuse everybody. We have cities that want tax money from the federal government to pay city employees to regulate businesses because they canâ€™t get enough tax money from the businesses because the businesses are not profitable because of the regulations and taxes. But all that will end soon, President Obama said the rich people will pay for everything and we donâ€™t have to worry just vote for him. Thatâ€™s what all the newspapers and television news and magazines said too, so it must be true.
Do you know Hillary Clinton? She may come to visit you soon. You might have to meet her someplace like Kabul because she probably canâ€™t ride a camel all the way into the mountains and camp out. She has experience with high volumes of sniper fire directly overhead and all around so that wonâ€™t scare her when she gets off the plane. She will bring lots of contracts to sign because she is a lawyer and canâ€™t help it, but Iâ€™m sure you will like the deal she offers you because that Korean guy liked the deal her husband gave him. He didnâ€™t have to do anything and was able to develop nuclear material and they gave him lots of money and other neat stuff just for signing a paper. It was kind of like the thing called the â€œbailout billâ€ that just happened here, and there may be more of it. The new president wants to take everything from rich people and give it to poor people so we can have an economy just like it used to be in Afghanistan or Sudan, where you used to be. Our poor people may spend a lot of the money they get on heroin from the poppies you grow there so your farmers may get rich like our poor people will.
We are looking forward to your visit real soon. Things are going along nicely so there will be no need to attack us before you take over our country. If you need to know when itâ€™s time for you to come, get a subscription to the New York Times, they will tell you. Have it delivered by FedEx; they can find anyone.
So long for now,Your friend, average Obama voter.