Obama’s Intrusive Vetting Questionnaire
By: John Lillpop
President-elect Obama has spent the two weeks since the election pulling together the key players for his new administration. Several reports indicate that the vetting process for job applicants is very intrusive, bordering on criminal.
This reporter was invited to interview for an Assistant Satirist position reporting to the lead speech writer for the president himself. Herewith a sampling of the questions on the vetting form:
1. Have you ever used the “N” word, publicly or in private? Can you prove that?
2. Are you now, or have you ever been, affiliated in any capacity with any of the following terrorist groups:
( )Republican Party
( )Pat Robertson’s 700 Club
( )U.S. Supreme Court (as currently comprised)
3. If selected, do you agree to work diligently for the repeal of Amendment 2 to the Constitution? Do you further agree to turn in any and all weapons in your possession, or in the possession of family, friends, and casual acquaintances, to the ACLU before assuming your new position?
4. Do you really believe that a baby Jew, conceived by a virgin in small town in Israel 2008 years ago, was the Messiah who saved all of mankind from sin while bleeding to death on a cross? Is that belief negotiable?
5. How much time and money are you prepared to contribute to the re-election campaign of 2012? (Payroll deduction service is available for a nominal-processing fee.)
6. Do dislike Hillary Rodham Clinton? How intently? Why? Do you have pictures, videos, taped conversations, or collaborating witnesses willing to execute sworn affidavits, to substantiate your understandable loathing of HRC?
7. If hired, will you abandon Christmas in exchange for a month of paid holiday in November of each year for Ramadan, AND a week off in December to celebrate Kwanzaa?
8. You are fluent in which of the following languages. Check all that apply:
Note: Lack of fluency in all of the languages listed is NOT an automatic disqualification for the position: But it’s darn close, bro!
9. If asked, would you be willing to donate urgently needed body organs, before your death, to needy folks in poverty stricken areas of India, Haiti, Africa, South Chicago, Detroit, and Harlem, New York?
10. Do you agree that native Americans and African-Americans deserve reparations because of the suffering and discrimination they have endured? How much of your personal wealth are you willing to redistribute to the Reparations Redemption Fund?
After completing the Vetting Questionnaire in accordance with my true beliefs, I turned in the form and am still waiting for a call to go in for a follow-up interview.
I wonder if Team Obama has misplaced me contact information?