By: Christopher M. Barra
She said I had â€œCootiesâ€ and was a â€œPoopie-faceâ€.
These slurs cut me to the quick. Obviously she had not been properly conditioned to consider my feelings.
While canvassing the neighborhood soliciting signatures to ban the teaching of capitalism in public schools, I just happened to inform this one little girl her that her half-naked perfectly proportioned Barbie Doll has been proven to be offensive to women everywhere. This tiny four-year old felt the need to insult me. Where do these children get the idea they have the right to say what they think?
There are some things you just do not say. If there is even the remotest possibility that any word might upset another person for any reason what-so-ever, reasonable or not, – donâ€™t say it. How hard is that really? Our right not to be offended must be protected at all costs.
As a good citizen, I realized it was my responsibility to bring this harmful behavior to the attention of her parents for corrective action. I suggested that perhaps it was not too early for them to consider enrolling their daughter into a pre-school sensitivity training program.
It was at that moment that I realized from where she had acquired the noxious attitude. â€œCootiesâ€ and â€œPoopie faceâ€ were tame in comparison to the vicious epithets her parents then hurled in my direction.
Though insulted, I was sympathetic to their plight because as one of the truly enlightened, I understand intolerance and ignorance. Obviously the parents were also in need of thought and behavior modification.
Encouraged by the fact that the little girl would soon be going to kindergarten, I explained courteously and with all due respect, that children free of the control of closed-minded, archaically conservative parents could be taught the right ways to think and socialize painlessly.
I was sorry that it was too late for them, but encouraged by the fact that this little girl would soon be saved. I said their daughter will be indoctrinated as to the proper way to act, think and speak in school, and for that they should feel fortunate.
Her proper development would not be stunted merely because she had the misfortune to be born into an unenlightened family with poor parenting abilities. They will be very proud as, despite her heritage, she grows to become a contributing asset to the community. She will receive the sensitivity education she so badly needs, not just in kindergarten, but all the way through high school and even college. She will also learn about the evils of global warming, the immorality of wealth accumulation, and of Americaâ€™s criminal activities during Republican administrations.
I went on to explain that we can teach children the national value system we want them to learn far away from the interference of their prehistoric, overbearing, ill-prepared parental influences. After all, it is not the childrenâ€™s fault that they are exposed to improper thought at home. Public school teachers are licensed to teach by government, and so therefore teach best. Most parents are not even remotely qualified to raise a child properly.
It was then that they told me she was going to attend private school if it took the last penny of their savings – and kicked me out of their house while spewing foul insults I care not to detail here and now.
What is this world coming to? That wasnâ€™t the first time I have been insulted for just trying to make people understand how intolerant and ignorant they are.
Narrow-minded, conservative, independent thinking, anti-social capitalists seem to be everywhere. They are so selfish and inflexible. They refuse to listen to progressive reasoning.
Why canâ€™t we just make them think, do and say what we want without an argument? Is it really too much to ask that conservatives just give up and surrender to us? When will they realize that we know what is best for everyone, and that there can be no compromise if we are to all agree?
As I was leaving, walking down the sidewalk lamenting the poor state of social graces, the little girl, now with completely naked Barbie in hand, shook it violently from side to side and yelled: â€œPoopie Face!â€
Unbelievable. Donâ€™t you think? I donâ€™t.