There’s More to Come

By: Craig Chamberlain

Welcome to the United Socialist States of America, comrade! We here at the American Communist Party… oops I mean “Democratic Party” are pleased with the change we’ve brought. Hopefully we can bring some hope soon as well. I know, it does seem a little weird that in order to bring change we had to turn the clock back 45 years, after all we usually denounce anyone who is nostalgic for the past as a reactionary, and against progress(also accusing them of being against science is an effective weapon as well) but this is what had to be done to wipe out the parasitic capitalist system and erase the memory of the previous regimes fascistic policies. But to be clear, we’re instructed to say we’re doing all this to prevent the collapse of the capitalist system, and until we get word from higher up we will continue to implement many of the policies from the last administration so we can’t call them fascistic anymore, but don’t worry comrade, the day is coming soon when our Dear Leader will make good on his promises and the imperialistic wars will end and the concentration camp will be shut down.

Now, I know we’re all happy that we’ve signed the income confiscation act… er.. I mean stimulus bill(have to remember what I’m not supposed to say) and it’s an accomplishment to be proud of. We’ve nationalized the banks. Though I hate to say it, we’ve got to give ol’ dubya credit on this one, he got the ball rolling for us. The voters gave us a blank check and we intend to cash it in. I mean billions for a high speed rail from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, billions for “green energy” and I’m proud to say that it didn’t cost us much to get the votes of those “blue dog” Democrats, just a pet project here and there, and they we’re with us all the way. It won’t be long now until most Americans are dependent on the government for their jobs, we’re in for life! If the Republicans are lucky enough to win an election again our interests are going to be so entrenched and the people so dependent on us they won’t be able to do a thing to us. I’m not even worried about them winning another election. I’ve got some plans for the 2010 census and by the time I’m done with it there won’t be fifty GOP congressional districts.

While it’s tempting for us to pat ourselves on the back we’ve still got more work to do. First of all we can’t allow those damned reactionaries to keep ranting and raving against us, someone might start to listen. I know what you’re thinking, the first amendment and all that, but we’ve got ways around it. We control the FCC now, and we’re working on a list of new regulations and once we’re through Rush and Hannity won’t be able to do anything other than read commercials. I mean we can’t allow these annoying people to stand in the way of progress, who cares what the constitution says?

It reminds me of what my pal Hugo is doing in Venezuela. He just won a vote that repeals the term limits for his office. And all I could think of was : way to go! I mean he’s already nationalized his economy, wiped out any opposition party,(see a pattern we’re copying?) shut down the media that criticized him, now he gets to be in power for life, and legally too. I think we’re on a good start here, I know we haven’t completely nationalized the economy yet but we’re working on it. And when I saw Hugo get unlimited terms I got to thinking that maybe we could do that here. It probably wouldn’t be too hard to repeal that amendment, we’ve got Congress under our thumb, we could probably get those same three Republicans(they’re my type of opposition. You know what I mean?) and most state legislatures are Democratic, and the media would just go gaga over the prospect of Barry being in office for life, I think Chris Matthews would go orgasmic on live TV. That’s just something we’re kicking around don’t know if anything will come of it.

What I can guarantee you is that health care is about to be our domain. Just think about it every hospital is about to be government property, every doctor, nurse and orderly is about to be a government employee. And every American is about to be reliant on us for medicine. Granny wants to see a doctor, we’ve got to give permission for them to see a doctor. I don’t have to tell you what this means for future election prospects. I mean, really, is anyone going to vote against them when they could lose the right to medical care by doing so? And don’t worry about losing Daschle, the Republicans probably did us a favor that goof probably just would have messed things up.

We’re off to a great start let’s hope that we can keep up the momentum.

Your Pal,

P.S. sorry about that whole getting impeached and thrown out of office, but when those tapes cam out we had to back away. But don’t worry, I’ve talked to the big guy and he says if you make a campaign contribution now for his reelection campaign we’ll get you back into office. One word from him on your behalf and the media will forget everything Fitzgerald says you did and will only remember your exemplary record.

P.S.S. Don’t show this letter to anyone.

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