Ben Bernanke and the Unabridged “May Happen” List for 2009
By: John Lillpop
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke made instant headline news by telling Congress that America’s gut-wrenching recession MAY end in 2009.
His words brought immediate relief to Wall Street investors and others worried about America’s dire economic circumstances, including President Obama who is not sure whether it is better to tell the American people that it will take many years to heal the mess, or to promise a miraculous halving of the deficit by the end of his first term.
While the “Bernanke Bounce” was a welcome change of pace after six consecutive sessions of dreadful news, the Fed Chair made a number of other forecasts which he believes are just about as likely as an economic recovery in 2009.
Bernanke’s prognosis includes the following “May Happen” duds:
* Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may convert to Judaism and give Iran’s enrichment centrifuges to Israel during his Bar Mitzvah;
* Mayor Antonio Villagarosa may make it a misdemeanor to speak or write Spanish anywhere in Los Angeles;
* Nancy Pelosi may announce that due to her unexpected pregnancy, her views on abortion have dramatically changed: She may carry the fetus to term in order to get that extra tax deduction;
* Bank of America may announce that it has discovered an accounting error which reveals that the firm is actually flush with cash: B of A may return all bail out money it received, plus 18 percent interest, to the U.S. Treasury by March 7;
* After meeting Barack Obama, Bill Maher may announce that he now believes in God;
* Rahm Emanuel may leave the Obama administration to join Hamas in its noble fight against Zionist pigs;
* George W. Bush may be required to retake, for the third time, a remedial English class before being hired to greet customers at that store in Dallas;
* President Obama may leave Michelle and his two daughters for the affections of a white community organizer with a terrific jump shot and great dunking skills;
* New York Times columnist Judith Warner may admit that she is a white community organizer with a terrific jump shot and great dunking skills;
* VP Joe Biden may admit that he took one of those on-line IQ tests, and is only slightly below Hermit the Frog when it comes to raw intellect;
* Pope Benedict may announce that Nancy Pelosi has been excommunicated for getting pregnant after the age of 65;
* Sean Penn may be baptized as a Mormon and return his Oscar due to “moral concerns” about the lifestyle choices of Harvey Milk;
* Hugo Chavez may outlaw socialism, impose a four year term limit on the Venezuelan presidency, effective immediately, and sign over all of Venezuelan’s oil reserves to the U.S. Marines;
* Chris Matthews may have a lobotomy to treat that “thrill running up my leg” when he listens to President Obama;
* Tim Geithner may announce that his tax problem was not a software error after all. He may turn himself over to the IRS, sign a written confession, and write a To Do Book titled,: Cheating on Your Taxes for Dummies;
Recovery in 2009? Do not go to Las Vegas and bet big money on it!