By: Eddie Clements

So, a caller to Rush said the administration warned American personnel not to mistreat the pirates, should they come under US custody. This report was confirmed by a spokesman for the Somali Pirates International Tribunal (SPIT). When contacted, the SPIT spokesman acknowledged disadvantaged pirates the world over had for centuries been victimized by image problems.

“Thar be ill winds blowin’ fer the likes of us, arrr. A vanishin’ breed we are, that be truth. But fer the fine efforts of the Obama folk offerin’ thur kind service to us, ya know, thared be a reckonin’ agin’ are heads fer certain.”

Obama’s press secretary “Baghdad” Bob Gibbs says the pirate vote is important to the President, and sees them as valued allies in the upcoming fight. When asked “what fight?” Gibbs backtracked, saying “We didn’t prefer the term ‘fight’, it was inherited from the Bush administration. We prefer the term ‘fairness’.” When asked to clarify, Gibbs told attentive reporters the administration was pleased with their progress so far.
SPIT works to spread awareness of problems in third world nations and the pirates’ unique solutions to those problems. The spokesperson, whose patched eye garnered him the nickname Cyclops (“call me Cy, matey, that’s a good lad”), calls himself and his brethren “just poor sailors tryin’ ta make a livin’ whats we do best at. The sea, a harsh mistress be she, sez I, arr. And tha US of A could take a lesson from us on makin’away with the booty.”

It was a desire by the pirates to be helpful in that regard that led to their recommending Timothy “Taxman” Geithner to the administration as Treasury Secretary. “We knowed they be needin’ a sharp blade thar at the IRS. Like a son ta me, he is, yarrr…raised him from a polliwog to tha demon taxer he is, by gar. He be knowin’ the riggin’ on the taxin’, ya see. Few’s the scurvy knave that held a proper part o’ treasure back from ol’ Tim. He marches ‘em down the plank at the point ‘o saber, he does, yarrr.”
The administration is committed to the support of disadvantaged groups like the pirates, saying the US has neglected their responsibility to understand the hardships of life on the high seas or low lands. Wandering from deserted island to uncontrolled nation, the seafaring vagabonds have eked out a meager existence by commandeering goods carried by oversized luxury freighters whose crews live an extravagant life while doing little work.

Most fair-minded people have rarely seen it as a crime to interdict rewards of production made by and going to undeserving capitalists. To this end SPIT is promoting the idea of rechristening pirates with the more applicable term “redistributionists”. In this way they are trying to send a message of “hope and change” to the downtrodden and misinterpreted everywhere.

“Send yer lookouts to the high post, mateys” says a thoughtful Cy, as a friendly gesture of caution. “We be comin’ fer yer treasure. Thur ain’t no sands be deep enough ta burry it from the steely gaze and long arm of Tim the Taxer! Yarr!”

Eddie Clements

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