By: Eddie Clements
So, a caller to Rush said the administration warned American personnel not to mistreat the pirates, should they come under US custody. This report was confirmed by a spokesman for the Somali Pirates International Tribunal (SPIT). When contacted, the SPIT spokesman acknowledged disadvantaged pirates the world over had for centuries been victimized by image problems.
â€œThar be ill winds blowinâ€™ fer the likes of us, arrr. A vanishinâ€™ breed we are, that be truth. But fer the fine efforts of the Obama folk offerinâ€™ thur kind service to us, ya know, thared be a reckoninâ€™ aginâ€™ are heads fer certain.â€
Obamaâ€™s press secretary â€œBaghdadâ€ Bob Gibbs says the pirate vote is important to the President, and sees them as valued allies in the upcoming fight. When asked â€œwhat fight?â€ Gibbs backtracked, saying â€œWe didnâ€™t prefer the term â€˜fightâ€™, it was inherited from the Bush administration. We prefer the term â€˜fairnessâ€™.â€ When asked to clarify, Gibbs told attentive reporters the administration was pleased with their progress so far.
SPIT works to spread awareness of problems in third world nations and the piratesâ€™ unique solutions to those problems. The spokesperson, whose patched eye garnered him the nickname Cyclops (â€œcall me Cy, matey, thatâ€™s a good ladâ€), calls himself and his brethren â€œjust poor sailors tryinâ€™ ta make a livinâ€™ whats we do best at. The sea, a harsh mistress be she, sez I, arr. And tha US of A could take a lesson from us on makinâ€™away with the booty.â€
It was a desire by the pirates to be helpful in that regard that led to their recommending Timothy â€œTaxmanâ€ Geithner to the administration as Treasury Secretary. â€œWe knowed they be needinâ€™ a sharp blade thar at the IRS. Like a son ta me, he is, yarrrâ€¦raised him from a polliwog to tha demon taxer he is, by gar. He be knowinâ€™ the rigginâ€™ on the taxinâ€™, ya see. Fewâ€™s the scurvy knave that held a proper part oâ€™ treasure back from olâ€™ Tim. He marches â€˜em down the plank at the point â€˜o saber, he does, yarrr.â€
The administration is committed to the support of disadvantaged groups like the pirates, saying the US has neglected their responsibility to understand the hardships of life on the high seas or low lands. Wandering from deserted island to uncontrolled nation, the seafaring vagabonds have eked out a meager existence by commandeering goods carried by oversized luxury freighters whose crews live an extravagant life while doing little work.
Most fair-minded people have rarely seen it as a crime to interdict rewards of production made by and going to undeserving capitalists. To this end SPIT is promoting the idea of rechristening pirates with the more applicable term â€œredistributionistsâ€. In this way they are trying to send a message of â€œhope and changeâ€ to the downtrodden and misinterpreted everywhere.
â€œSend yer lookouts to the high post, mateysâ€ says a thoughtful Cy, as a friendly gesture of caution. â€œWe be cominâ€™ fer yer treasure. Thur ainâ€™t no sands be deep enough ta burry it from the steely gaze and long arm of Tim the Taxer! Yarr!â€