The Fifty-Percent Double-Up President

By: Eddie Clements

The United States is led by a President elected by about fifty-two percent of voters. His popularity rating in most polls has dipped below fifty percent, from a high of over seventy percent. In keeping with the administration’s policy example of obfuscation, the difference can be split, designating the Chief Executive as a fifty-percent president.

The White House propaganda team has characterized dissenting opinion as mob behavior. This officially divides the nation into those who yearn for liberty, and the other half who wish to force the first half into submission to all things leftist. Calling spontaneous resistance from elderly citizens who have trouble walking, speaking, and hearing “rude”, “violent”, “NAZI-like brutish thugs”, The Office of Half Information promised to “hit back twice as hard” in response.

The fifty-percent president has proposed half the health care at twice the cost. The long-term scheme plans to cut services to the elderly as soon as practicable, while raising inheritance taxes. This will ensure a flow of funds out of private hands into government hands. No, tax revenues will no longer be public funds, they will remain private – in the sense they will be under complete control of Democrats.

The fifty-percent president holds twice the townhall meetings that are half as effective as his predecessors. The president speaks half-truths that take twice as long to deliver, head-bobbing from one teleprompter to the other. His audiences are carefully planned to reflect an even split between supporters and dissenters – supporters inside the hall, doors closed to dissenters outside.
A dissenter was half-beaten near St. Louis outside a townhall meeting promoting health care for half of Americans – the younger half that doesn’t need it. The dissenter was exercising his First Amendment rights under the constitution. A black liberal professor FOB (Friend of Barack) used half-truths to falsely accuse police who had been called to protect the FOB’s possessions. Obama cemented his image as president of not-quite-all the people, making no comment about violence on a conservative. The president half apologized for indiscreetly commenting on the FOB matter, which was none of his business. There was a clear difference justifying the president’s perspective: the FOB violated an ordinance of disturbing the peace, yelling loud unjustifiable insults at police over an imagined slight, while the conservative was beaten because he disagreed with Obama.
Media opinion among major print and broadcast outlets is evenly divided on this and other incidents. There are those who will never criticize or even objectively analyze Barack Obama’s policies, and the rest who support the fifty-percent president unconditionally. Ideologically there is an even split between those who disdain religion, traditional American values, and our foundational organizing principles, on the one side, and those who hate everything on the other. They all think of themselves as possessing great wits, but are only half right.

Democrat politicians in general are evenly split. There are those who will impose every leftist policy designed to limit freedom possible, knowing a leftist constituency will re-elect them. The rest have to contend with the nagging problem of compromise, posed by their voting public who may actually vote against a politician who restricts their freedom too much. The latter must keep total taxes just under fifty percent, enraging the former who prefer ninety.

Even the president’s most ardent supporters are caught in a dilemma. They can’t decide whether to love him devotedly or worship him as the messiah. Senator Max Baucus, Democrat-Montana, has been caught up in merciless indecision. After finally outing himself by professing his man-crush on Obama, he must choose between the president and his own wife. “I love them both. Oh cruel fate…had I just met him sooner! She gives me sex, but the silver-tongued he-devil can get me re-elected.”

The fifty-percent president gives half of General Motors to the United Auto Workers Union. The cars produced will get twice the gas mileage but be half the size, resulting in half the comfort and safety. Because of union manufacture, they will cost twice as much or more to make, with consumers paying the extra-high special government price. Half the cars will undoubtedly be subsidized for sale to the economically disadvantaged, with the other half of citizens paying the difference. The failure rate of cars produced at Government Motors will double that of the old GM. Warranties will be half as effective, while service waits will be twice as long.

But there is good news among the bad. The Department of Defense budget will be cut in half, to supply twice as much housing to Democrat constituencies as before. The cost of such housing under the Democrat plan will double, but twice as many Democrat campaign contributors dealing real estate will benefit. This ingenious plan to redistribute income will put half the banks out of business, because twice as many loans will be defaulted. Danger to American security caused by halving military strength will be offset by half the desire of foreign aggressors to attack a country from which nothing can be gained.

Reductions to half in the availability of electrical energy, petroleum supplies, and consumer goods will be compensated by doubling their price. When the nation’s wealth drops by half and unemployment is fifty percent, with double the resulting violence from discontent, the fifty-percent president will receive twice the credit he deserves.

Eddie Clements

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