Barryâ€™s Little Helpers
By: Harold Witkov
As we all well know, President Obama has been taking a lot of criticism because he is assembling his own private army of Czars. All across the Internet, Bloggers have been giving him free advice and telling him these Czars might be more palatable to the American public if they had a different name, one that did not invoke such a negative historical connotation.
Initially, my first suggestion for the President would have been to call his Czars, Barryâ€™s Little Helpers, but that title would not properly reflect the unfettered power that these individuals wield over American citizenry. Instead, I decided the President might prefer to create an individual title for each Czar that still invokes fear, but in a less threatening, euphemistic, and rhythmic way.
The Presidentâ€™s list of Czars is forever growing and I have been having trouble keeping up with all of them. Below is a partial list of some of the Czar positions, with new user-friendly titles I am recommending for the President. My advice to President Obama is to call a press conference ASAP and start reintroducing your Czars to the American public, while reading the following from the teleprompter:
Everyone please listen, I am the President andâ€¦
This is not my Afghanistan Czar, but my Afghan Man.
This is not my Auto Recovery Czar, but my Recovery Auto Autocrat.
This is not my Border Czar, but my Border Reporter.
This is not my Car Czar, but my Car Ka(r)huna.
This is not my Economic Czar, but my Econ Recon.
This is not my Great Lakes Czar, but my Great Lake Sheikh.
This is not my Guantanamo Closure Czar, but my Guantanamo Geronimo.
This is not my Health Czar, but my Health Honcho.
This is not my Information Czar, but my Information Informer.
This is not my International Climate Czar, but my Climate Comptroller.
This is not my Intelligence Czar, but my Intelligence Intellectual.
This is not my Mideast Peace Czar, but my Mideast Maven.
This is not my Regulatory Czar, but my Regulatory Regulator.
This is not my Sudan Czar, but my Sudan Sultan.
This is not my Urban Affairs Czar, but my Urban Affair Chair.
This is not my Green Jobs Czar, but my Go To Green Guyâ€¦ Hey! Where did my Go To Green Guy go to?
Of course, if I were really to advise President Obama, I would tell him to dispense with the Czars and his lust for personal power, and start honoring the Constitution of the United States that he swore to uphold.