I Suffer from Caliphatephobia


By: Harold Witkov

Because I am a conservative, as far as the left is concerned, I am assumed guilty of several psychological disorders. I am, just to name a few, a sexist, a racist, and a homophobe.

After following the unsettling events taking place in Egypt during the past few weeks, my list of mental shortcomings has since grown by one – and this one, unlike the others, is mine. I now suffer from Caliphatephobia.

Yes, I am a certified Caliphatephobe. I have an irrational fear that radical Islam will one day, in the not to distant future, prevail in the Middle East and a single nation-state will emerge that follows Sharia law.

I fear a one-nation Islamic Middle East in which homosexuality is a crime that carries capital punishment, and men get their hands hacked off for stealing. I fear all Muslim women will be forced to wear burqa and hijab, and face death by stoning, should they be found guilty of committing adultery.

I know it is ridiculous, but I keep imagining a single nation of anti-West Muslim fanatics armed with nuclear weapons and in control of the Suez Canal. I tremble with fear over the fate of millions of Middle Eastern Christians. I lose sleep thinking about a Middle East with no Israel and 100% judenfree.

Of course, I understand, like all phobias, my Caliphatephobia is irrational. I know I am being irrational because fellow conservative William Kristol of the Weekly Standard explained to me in his look-on-the-bright-side article about Egypt, “Stand for Freedom,” that I must be one of those conservatives who, “…are used to focusing on the downsides of situations.” I also know there is no substantive reason for my carrying on so because I heard President Obama tell Bill O’Reilly not to worry about the Muslim Brotherhood taking over a future democratized Egypt because, “They don’t have majority support.”

But is my Caliphatephobia really irrational and without foundation? Truth is I have been working hard trying to find the root cause of my Caliphatephobia. After much contemplation, I think it might have something to do with the existence of millions of militant Muslims who are today infected with Caliphateitis.

Caliphateteitis is an easily spread condition among radical Muslims that causes them to yearn for a single Islamic nation that embodies a return to the good old days lifestyle and mentality of the 8th century. Caliphateitis began well over a millennium ago and it has been around in one form or another ever since.

The last Caliphate ended when the Ottoman Empire expired in the 1920’s. Although the Ottoman Empire died, Caliphateitis did not. Shortly after the demise of the Ottoman Dynasty, the Muslim Brotherhood picked the Caliphateitis baton up off the ground and ran with it. Caliphateitis thrives today in the Middle East, in HAMAS and Al Qaeda, in once moderate Turkey, in Tunisia, Yemen, and, of course, in Egypt. Caliphateitis is even creeping its way into the hearts of many non-radical Muslims.

I wish I could overcome my Caliphatephobia. Even assurances from William Kristol and President Obama have not helped me. Perhaps, just perhaps, I would worry less and sleep better at night if, instead of assurances, someone actually came up with a cure for Caliphateitis.

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