Felonious Flatulence, Cannibal Migrants & Cooper Slapped: Headline Potpourri #19


By: Frederick Meekins

The African nation of Malawi has passed a law criminalizing public incidents of flatulence. This raises the question of what will happen in reference to the quandary where the rectal emissions are categorized as “silent but violent”? This will no doubt be resolved in the precedent-setting decision of “You Smelled It vs. You Dealt It”.

Don’t know whether to laugh or cringe at the tone of some articles calling for eager obedience and compliance with government dietary guidelines. Elites wanting to alter the composition of snack foods should be told to go lick a salt block.

Wonder if Anderson Cooper is as enamored now as he once was of the proverbial “Arab Street”. Wonder if Anderson Cooper realizes now the considerable differences between Islamists and those he once ridiculed as “Teabaggers”.

Interesting that the unions insisting Obamacare is essential to the Republic’s survival have been granted exemptions from ithe legislation. Interesting how the corporations pledging allegiance to the Obama regime are being exempted from his punitive decrees.

The “pro-democracy” demonstrators of the present decade usually end up being the tyrants chased from office decades down the road.

In Canada, a child was excluded from a contest to win a stuffed animal because he brought his lunch in a Ziploc bag. Eventually, parents of students caught trafficking in prohibited forms of nutritional conveyance will find social services knocking on their doorsteps.

According to WUSA9.com, students in the “Social Justice” class at Archbishop Caroll School write letters to companies the students believe are exploiting the employees. Do they also intend to write letters about welfare recipients, that obviously don’t know how to keep a zipper up given their number of out of wedlock kids, who eat higher up the food chain than those paying the taxes providing entitlement benefits? Better yet, to understand the full implications of social justice, shouldn’t students acing the coarse have points shaved off their stellar grades and distributed to those that did not put forth as much effort in the class?

Obama is urging Mubarak to leave office promptly and peacefully. Wonder if he’ll eventually follow his own advice when it is his own turn to leave power.

If Fox can reject a Super Bowl advertisement for advocating beliefs or practices that might spark “the wrong kind of controversy” in regards to John 3:16, shouldn’t the network ban ads for beer as well? For do not commercials for that particular product promote the position that it is moral to imbibe noxious liquids for nonmedicinal purposes often in pursuit of fornicative ends?

If an advertisement featuring John 3:16 couldn’t air during the Super Bowl because broadcasting the segment would spark undue controversy and advocate a certain belief, will the Black Eyes Peas be punished for their ditty calling for increased education spending? Apparently the band is talented in neither music nor public policy.

No matter what side prevails in Egypt, we are pretty much screwed for failing to cultivate our own domestic petroleum resources.

If it is improper to ask potential voters or accused criminals to show their ID’s to authorities, there is no reason for Burger King cashiers to ask me what my name is so they can print it on the receipt.

Traditionally, national security is invoked as an excuse to justify any assortment of civil liberties infringements. Thus, if Frau Obama is successful in persuading the policy establishment as to the veracity of her perspective linking obesity and nutrition to national security, just how much control will government exert over what Americans eat.

The White House Super Bowl party menu included bratwurst, cheeseburgers, pizza and beer. Where are the locally grown vegetables and low salt snacks?

Only asinine hippy parents make their kids eat carrot sticks, apple slices, and milk when they go out to eat.

If the federal government is going to send out Presidential Emergency Alerts to the nation’s cellphones, is the message going to be charged to the recipients account or is Obama picking up the tab?

A WMAL host laments that the Super Bowl is not family friendly from the standpoint of the late kickoff. How is the NFL responsible if you can’t get your kids to bed at a respectable hour? Not like youngsters are going to be irrevocably damaged by missing an ideal bed time. Guess this will be the next thing the Obama’s monitor.

In comments at the Washington National Cathedral regarding faith and environmentalism, the head of the National Association of Evangelicals said that we need to revision our entire lives, families, and COMMUNITIES. Perhaps foremost among these is why does there need to be a National Cathedral? For though it is a beautiful and inspirational edifice, if we are to live lives of pious austerity, technically God doesn’t really require a structure all that ornate.

In discussing GoProud (a group of gay Republicans) at CPAC, WMAL host Chris Plante invoked a quote by Ronald Reagan about working with those over which you agree 80% and disagree 20%. Does this mean that the Conservative Political Action Conference will eventually welcome a breakaway polygamist Mormon?

The New York Times is outraged that Disney marketers are targeting newborns by visiting mothers in maternity wards and trying to get new mothers to sign up for email updates and complimentary merchandize. Too bad the nation’s paper of record is not as eager to expose how Social Services often pressures new parents into home visits.

The Washington Post reported that most handguns in DC were registered in Northwest neighborhoods. In others words, where the rich liberals thinking we rabble should be denied the Second Amendment reside.

Some banks have announced that they may impose fees on basic checking accounts. These financial institutions will no doubt moan and whine for more government handouts when consumers close out accounts.

If George Will is favorable to the presidential candidacy of Mitch Daniels and Mitch Daniels is hinting that healthcare should be denied to those of marginal social utility, does that include Will’s mentally challenged son or is this something to be imposed upon those of us that don’t wear red bowties, bad toupees or write useless tomes on baseball?

Hispanosupremacists are condemning an Arizona proposal to verify the legality of those utilizing that state’s hospitals. You as a real American without lips chronically attached to the welfare teat try to get medical services without the proper paperwork. If You show up at some foreign hospital without proof that you are there legally, they’d probably vivisect you for organ harvesting.

Frau Obama believes youngsters are to suckle teat as long as possible. Is there any aspect of our lives that this government doesn’t think is it’s place to hand down a proclamation regarding? Guess we’ll soon be given instruction as to which position the Obama administration prefers husbands and wives to partake of carnal relations in. A hypothetical future headline will read: “Obamas Insist Lefthand The One For Proper Anal Hygiene”. This isn’t too far out of a conjecture given their propensity to interfere in all aspects of our lives and for often siding with Third World cultures of a certain persuasion over our own.

It’s time to sell off American park lands and museum treasures on Ebay to tackle the debt. It’s heartbreaking, but less so than selling your children into slavery. What good is the Hope Diamond, Fonzi’s Jacket, or Archie Bunker’s Chair going to do you when you receive the mid to late 21st century’s equivalent of a jury duty notice that you are to report to a Chinese foundry where you are to render 15 years of hard labor to go towards national debt restitution?

What idea do you prefer and gives you greater comfort: that the First Ladies’ Inauguration Ball Gowns are on display or avoiding an old age living under what use to be a highway overpass as you evade being cannibalized by starving migrant teens?

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