The Bright Side Of Hell: Obama’s win has its good points
By: Daniel Clark
In the wake of President Obama’s reelection, conservatives are reacting as if America as we know it will no longer exist. And you know what? They’re right. Obama promised to “fundamentally transform” America in 2008, and he’s got the job well underway by now. The question is, why does that have to be a negative? Evidently, a majority of voters don’t think it is, so maybe they’ve got a point. If you can’t understand how, just take a minute to consider the following list of reasons why a second term of Obama’s fundamental transformation can be seen as a good thing.
* Now we’re just like the Europeans, which makes us ever so fashionable and pungent.
* Under Sharia law, we’ll finally have a Democrat president who isn’t soft on crime.
* We have the honor of being served for four more years by the vice presidentiest vice president in American history.
* As long as we don’t address our national debt, the government will compensate by printing even more money! More money’s a good thing, right?
* When you’re euthanized, some evil one-percenter will have to foot the bill for the poison.
* If you couldn’t bring yourself to vote for ideologically impure GOP establishment candidate Mitt Romney, you’ll have plenty of time to congratulate yourself for staying true to your principles, while standing in line for bread.
* Electricity rates will “necessarily skyrocket,” which at least will give us some semblance of a space program.
* In order to avoid Obamacare’s mandates and fees, some employers are cutting back their workers’ hours in order to make them part-time employees. Of course, they’ll have to hire more part-time employees than they would full-time employees, which means that Obamacare is creating jobs!
* Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez can now die happy, but at least they’ll be just as dead.
* As long as Obama is president, jihadist attacks like the one in Benghazi are barely even newsworthy. That means we can ignore them, and go back to reading celebrity tweets until further notice.
* If Obama’s position on marriage continues to evolve, Michelle will soon cease to be First Lady.
* Maybe Dick Morris will shut up now.
* Since Obama’s reelection occurred during the NHL lockout, the absence of hockey serves as proof that we haven’t actually turned into the Soviet Union.
* Bill Maher will still manage to find some excuse not to be happy.
* With Obama in Washington until 2016, the golf courses throughout the rest of the country will be relatively uncrowded.
* If we didn’t continue to kill millions of children in the womb, they’d only grow up and kick the crap out of us for what we’ve just done to them.
* An abundance of new material will rekindle Yakov Smirnoff’s career.
* We needed to reelect Obama in order to find out how Obamacare will turn out to be George W. Bush’s fault.
* When the gas mileage standards have been doubled, you’ll be able to fold up your car and carry it with you.
* If Obama gives a bailout to the major news publications, then at least that would lend some justification to all of their sniveling suckuppery.
* Sonia Sotomayor will not be the most unqualified and embarrassing justice on the Supreme Court for very much longer.
* It’s only a matter of time before Obama gets around to blaming you for something, and you’ve always wanted to see your name in the papers.
* The greenhouse effect will not bake the earth into an apocalyptic wasteland like in Soylent Green, although most of the rest of that movie will still happen.
* The Chris Christie 2016 campaign is already doomed.
* For the second time in her life, Mrs. Obama is proud of her country. As long as she’s in such a good mood, this would be an opportune time to ask her for some of our food back.
* Wiping Israel off the map will remove a major sticking point in negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program.
* Now that Obama has been given that increased flexibility he told the Russians about, he might actually become good at basketball, so then he can stop lying about it.
* Those jobs ought to become shovel-ready any minute now. No, really.
* You’ve always wanted to buy more expensive cuts of beef, and now you will.
* Had Obama lost, he’d soon have enough time to write another pretentious memoir.
Daniel Clark is a writer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He is the author and editor of a web publication called The Shinbone: The Frontier of the Free Press, where he also publishes a seasonal sports digest as The College Football Czar.