Obama’s America: Living the Utopian Dream
By: Michael John McCrae
WARNING: The following is satire. (So based in reality!)
I am going to change my party affiliation to Democrat. I want free stuff. I want an Obama phone with free minutes. I want to change my skin color and take advantage of flash mob freebies. I am not a member of the one percent or two percent club who deserves to have my taxes raised to 90 percent to feed the bellies of the poor, down-trodden, wasted dregs of society’s underclass. I am part of the valued ninety-nine percent. That’s why I need to be a Democrat and vote for Democrats. They will be grateful for my vote and give me more free stuff.
I should have paid more attention in my High School Spanish Classes. These days I can’t understand half of what I see on C-Span. But the Democrats plan for Immigration reform is both imaginative and simple. As illegal border jumpers enter the country they will simply stop at Booth A to receive a free driver’s license, Booth B for their Social Security Cards, Booth C to sign up for welfare, WIC and food stamps, Booth D To register to vote Democrat and finally, Booth E will get them 99 weeks of unemployment payments. What a wonderful world!
To improve my lot in Obama’s Utopia I’ll need to move to Washington State and find some pleasant gay guy to marry. That way I’ll qualify for even more free stuff and a bunch of special rights the Constitution of the United States fails to recognize. Of course that might take a while; for I will insist my pleasant gay partner be HIV and AIDS free and consider himself the “wife”. Since condoms are free we won’t be a further burden on taxpayers. Then we’ll look for a home in the Great State of Washington, where now, one can walk the streets of Seattle openly smoking his drug of choice! It’s almost Heaven!
Of course I could just be a free spirit. I’ll run around the country getting girls pregnant; leaving them to fend for themselves; after all, the government will raise all those kids with free stuff. Even better, I could get a sex change and apply for entrance to a Catholic University, become a talking head; demanding free contraceptives. That might get me a trip to Washington, D.C. to sit before congress; pretending I’m not some brain-dead, Occupy Wall Street sycophant; wanting amnesty for some exorbitant student loan. Since all of that is George Bush’s fault anyway, I’m sure Obama will sympathize. If Rush Limbaugh calls me a “slut”, Obama may even call me on my Obama phone to ask me to go on campaign trail for Michelle! Oh! What joy!
I am glad I never opened a 401K. Now that Obama’s tax raising minions are eyeing those for tax theft, the phrase “See I told you so” could not be more apt. Obamacare will take care of me though. I will have free health care until I’m actually sick; needing a specialist. I know the politicians managing the program will make sure my sex change, any post surgery breast enhancement and abortion is covered fully by the plans. I’ll get the HIV and AIDS drugs should I need them. They might even cover my mental health needs. I just hope I’ll never need a transplant, or CAT scan.
Since I don’t want to be lumped into any racist, sexist or homophobic category I need to change my religion. Should I become an Islamist or should I espouse Atheism? Perhaps I should embrace Black Liberation Theology; making Jeremiah Wright my new mentor? Those each come with their own set of Obama perks.
So the way I see it, the key to being happy in America is to be a very good liar with a great set of lawyers who are able to forge your Selective Service Card, get you a Connecticut Social Security number (never having been in Connecticut), forge your birth certificate; (leaving the real one in Kenya), hide or completely destroy your College Transcripts; (proving you attended as a foreign exchange student), and delete your passport records that prove you were an Indonesian citizen who never bothered to repatriate. Too, being a liberal socialist, completely protected by a fawning, liberal media; never asking the difficult questions. It might be true that Bob Woodward spends as much time kissing up to Obama as he did investigating Former President Nixon. Woodward’s investigation into Watergate helped push Nixon to resign. No such luck with Obama and the four dead Americans in Benghazi. Liberal media has given Obama a pass on Benghazi, Solyndra, Hurricane Sandy, seven trillion dollars of debt over 3 ½ years (wanting to add even more), fifty percent, black youth unemployment etc.
It must be really neat to be such a narcissistic scumbag; getting away with Fast and Furious murder! That’s why I want to be an atheistic, dark skinned, gaily wed, pot smoking, illegal-border-jumping transsexual with a majorly checkered past covered up by liberal lawyers and media, Democrat. Because it all goes to prove that one day, I can be President!