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The Non-Moralizing Jerk Session

By Justin Dar

April 6, 2005

Books of Interest

After years of constant personal attacks, being unceremoniously herded out into the hostile elements, and sneered and glared upon on an almost constant basis, I have quit smoking. Yes, stand up and applaud all you non-smokers out there! You have finally nagged, annoyed, and taxed me out of one of the few small pleasures life has to offer.

Granted, smoking is bad for you. And, that is the real reason why I quit. After just a few short weeks I already feel better, have more energy and the creation of the "plasma TV fund" in my bank account has made it all worthwhile. Probably the largest benefit of not smoking is that now I can finally join the benighted few in the coveted "non smoking section" of my favorite local restaurant.

Strangely, however, my first over the "non-smoking" red velvet rope was not what I was expecting. Where were the jewel studded utensils, the extra comfy seat cushions with bonus lumbar supports, the crystal vases full of fresh cut free range wild flowers? Where was the ethereal glow that only comes from the certainty that you are in some way better than someone else? There was nothing. Same tables, same chairs, same food, same waitress. In fact, I sat at the same table that had been the "smoking section" a month before. The only thing that was different was that now I was surrounded by all the jerks who had made my life miserable about smoking.

Gone was Mr. "Jones", who for the past 7 years has shown my son the same dumb magic trick every time he has spied us from a "reserved" seat at the counter that only decades of patronage can earn. Vanquished was "Barry", a retired truck driver who personally instructed my daughter into the fine art of making a spoon stick to her nose over a "Bugs Bunny Platter." And also absent was "Mary," who clips newspaper articles of "things you should write about."

Replacing these denizens of tobacco evil was some lady who I swear is the sister or cousin of a person who saw several of us smokers standing outside on a cold winter's day at a conference in Providence, Rhode Island, and proceeded to kick the door stop from the door locking us outside. When I confronted the person as to why she would do something like that, she responded that we should not be smoking. Also now present at the table across the aisle was a gentleman who weeks before informed me over my escarole soup that the smoking section should be even smaller and darker than it already was because secondary smoke is hazardous to his health. Well, so is bothering me when I am trying to eat, and I did not see that fact modifying his behavior.

I was surrounded by a bunch of jerks! Do not misunderstand me. Most non-smokers are the same as smokers; just regular folks. But there is a breed of self righteous, moralizing, tobacco police in the non-smoking community who feel that it is their personal responsibility to make dinner miserable for as many smokers as possible.

Have any of you ever stopped to think that it is just as equally rude and annoying to bother someone while they are eating, trapped in your car, or if you just happen to spy a pack of cigarettes on their person about the evils of smoking as it is to be around someone who smokes? Second hand smoke may or may not be a health risk, but stress related anxiety inflicted by anti-tobacco zealots on people who are just trying to mind their own business is too, and I do not see business owners funneling the ranks of the obnoxious into tables by the bathroom.

The next time I go out to eat, I plan on requesting to sit in the smoking section. Not because I plan to smoke, but I would rather deal with those who accepted me when I smoked than fawn in the erstwhile graces of those who delighted in making me miserable for so long. So, what is it going to be? Deal with those who are under the mistaken assumption that I care about their opinions on how I live my life, or smell an ashtray when I eat. Too bad there is no "non-moralizing jerk" section in the diner.

© 2005 Justin Darr
justindarr@juno.com
http://justindarr.tripod.com